We are super excited about today’s holiday!  Who is we?  Well, me, Fiona, and Amelia of course!  You’ve all met Amelia, though she hasn’t been around much lately, and to say she is excited about ANYTHING is a stretch…but it’s National Multiple Personality Day yo!

Anyways….to celebrate today, I decided to give my personalities a chance to say hello and express their feelings about what Multiple Personality Day means to them.

I’m gonna take a break on this one…you all already know enough about me.  First up…the sweet, loveable, never cranky…Amelia.

What the hell is wrong with you people???  My last post was on July 22, 2012! Whyyyyy has no one sent a rescue party out for me?  What has the world come to?  I was driving down the highway the other day and the signs on the road were all glaring at me, saying “Missing elderly…”  Umm…helllloooooo….I’m elderly…I’ve been missing for damn near two years…where was my silver alert?  I swear, this country is filled with nothing but hoodlums…I’m moving to Canada.  Wait…it gets cold there right?  Screw it…Jamaica.

Anyways, this girl finally let me out of my prison cell and she expects me to be nice and sweet and tell you all about how great it is to be the “other” personality.  What’s worse, she’s stuck me in a tiny little compartment of her brain with that giddy, bubbly, always happy idiot…Fiona.  Well, you haven’t met Fiona yet but let me tell you, she’s annoying as you know what.  Anyways…so you want me to be nice? Here, I’m being nice…I’m giving you all a piece of advice.  Look around you, find the closest stick, and ram it up your….

Okay…I think that’s enough for one day Amelia….and you wonder why you’ve been locked away for so long.

Anyways, as Amelia and I have both mentioned, you have never met Fiona, but she has actually played a pretty important part in my life.  Fiona is actually a pseudonym that I use in my professional writing.  She’s been around for awhile, but she’s pretty shy, she tends to stay behind her words, but I begged and pleaded and finally, she agreed to come out and say hi.

So, ladies and gentlemen…Fiona!

Hi!

Hi Fiona, this is the part where you tell all the people about yourself.

Oh, Hi, I’m Fiona!

Ummm….I’m sure there’s something else you would like to tell all these lovely people, right?

No, I’m good!

Alrighty then.  Well, I told ya she was shy

Anyways, we hope everyone has a blast today, and learns to reach deep within themselves to find their other selves.  With that, we are off to have some drinks…Amelia so graciously offered to pay.

 

Amelia ‘n Me : An Amelia Interview

I spent the day with Amelia today (which in an effort to make that sound less crazy means that I had a lot of time to myself today and got some thinking done!).  Despite her crass nature, she and I had a pretty good conversation and it got me to thinking- I’ve posted blogs here, and Amelia has posted blogs here, but we’ve never done a blog together, why not try something new for a change?

So the best that I could come up with on such short notice was an interview with Amelia.

Me:  Amelia, you and I had a pretty productive day today, neither one of us got on each other’s nerves too much and we did everything we set out to do.

Amelia:  If you’re trying to figure out why I never pushed you out of the car earlier it’s because I don’t know how to drive, don’t get too cocky on me.

Me:  Well, I’m afraid that’s what settles for nice with you so I’ll take it!  Now, I was wondering, I was away from the blog for a little while but I had good explanation as to why.  Where were you at all the time that I was gone, you could have taken up the slack for me.

Amelia:  Now why in Heaven’s name would I waste my time doing such a thing?  You know good and well that the only reason I ever show up is because you poke and prod at me long enough that I just get sick of hearing your jibber jabber and give in.  Do you honestly think that I blog on your blog because I enjoy it?

Me:  Well, I never asked you to start blogging, you just sort of showed up one day.

Amelia:  And let me tell you something else missy, you should be paying me some sort of royalties or something, writing of my caliber doesn’t come cheap, people pay me good money to write for them!

Me: Alright, fine, fine, let’s just talk about something else shall we?

Amelia:  Yes, what about that giant pig looking thing that walks around your house.  What do you call him?  Winston?  Why in the world does he have his own blog now?  Do you honestly think people are stupid enough to think that he has evolved and grown opposable thumbs and learned to type?  Oh, wait, we are talking about YOUR readers, none of them are all that smart!

Me:  AMELIA!

Amelia:  Ha-ha…they know I was joking.

Me:  Well, if you must know, I think it’s cute that Winston has his own blog, he really has a lot to say, he’s really quite a vibrant personality, why shouldn’t he be able to express himself?

Amelia:  “Be able to express yourself”, is he gay?

Me:  What in the world are you talking about?

Amelia:  Every time I hear someone say “I want to express myself”  the next thing that comes out of their mouth is “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”

Me:  That’s not true, that’s very rude of you to say, take it back.

Amelia:  Never

Me: Sigh, I can see this isn’t going where I want it to, perhaps we should try this again sometime?

Amelia:  Sure, I need more time to prepare rude remarks about you and your readers.

Sigh…that Amelia, she will never be happy!

Amelia’s Take on “Dear Abby”

Amelia’s been a bit cranky today and I think you will see that come up in this post.  Enjoy! – Sam

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Image Credie: cartoonstock.com

“DEAR ABBY: I have been married nearly a year. My husband and I were together for five years before that. I am his fourth wife.

 

What’s bothering me is he gets most of his mail delivered to his mother’s — things such as his cell phone bill, his paychecks, etc. Everything he owns is in storage in another country. He makes all his phone calls from work and never receives any at home.

I saw his credit report. He has taken out loans I know nothing about.

I love my husband with all my heart, but am I right to think a marriage isn’t supposed to be this way? I feel he has two lives.

 

– IN THE DARK IN TENNESSEE”

 

Am I the only one that is still hooked on the fact that his mail gets delivered to mommy’s house?  Didn’t we stop doing that, oh…I don’t know, WHEN WE MOVED OUT???  “Oh no honey, I’ve put in a change of address several times but for some reason the Post Office keeps screwing it up!”  Give me a break, moron.

 

Also, you mean to tell me that you dated this guy for five years and either 1) he wasn’t all hush-hush or 2) he was and you married him anyways?  How dumb do you think I am?  Apparently you must think this Abby character is a moron just like you.

 

Let’s get one thing straight sweetie, if the hubby is making secret calls, taking out secret loans that are ruining your credit, and keeping his belongings on the other side of the world, you would be lucky to find out that he’s just cheating on you.  Sounds to me like your little honey bunny has some sort of drug addiction or is paying off his loan sharks and not telling you about it.  You better watch yourself; he may be using your money to hire a hit man to kill you!

 

Here’s my advice to you:

 

1)  In the middle of the night (make sure it’s a work night) pack up everything you own, don’t forget photos, checkbooks, and the spare key to your car.  You also might want to grab the cat/dog/goldfish, throw it all in your car.

 

2) Go into all the bathrooms, remove the shower curtain, hand towels, wash rags, and rugs and throw them in your car.  Also take all Kleenex, napkins, and paper towels.

 

3) Mix powdered laxative in with his coffee, make sure to mix it well so he will never notice anything

 

4) Take all of his clothes and put them in a garbage bag, pour bleach in the bag and place bag in the garage.

 

5) As soon as the bank opens, draw all of the money out of the account and open a new account at a new bank in your name only (assuming he hasn’t ruined your credit with all his secret loans)

 

6)  Call him as you leave the bank.  Be extra sweet and say “I was just checking to see if you were up for work, hope you have a great day!”

 

Calling him ensures that he wakes and now that he has woken up, he might as well get his day started.  He will start by going to the restroom to do his morning “business” and will notice that the shower curtain and towels are missing but think nothing of it.  After scratching himself he will reach for the toilet paper only to find that there is nothing on the roll.  He will lean over, while still perched on the toilet, and open the cabinet door to find a spare roll, that won’t be there.  He will pinch his slimy cheeks and go hunting for something that will work and will find nothing.  At this point he will probably realize that he doesn’t have any clothes on, after finally finding a plastic Wal-Mart bag to wipe his hiney with he will run back to the bedroom to retrieve a shirt and pants. Upon opening the closet he will find that the only clothing left in the house is that little black dress you wore on your first date paired with those super cute stilettos.  He will sigh and throw himself on the bed, near tears.

 

Now the only thing that can cheer him up is a nice warm cup of coffee…

 

 

 

Why do people ask complete strangers to help them with their problems?  I’d like to have a go at this Abby character:

 

 

 

DEAR ABBY: How in heaven’s name do you deal with these people on a day to day basis and not cuss them the hell out?

 

I bet there isn’t even an Abby.  I bet she’s some imaginary character that some asylum inmate has made up to keep himself from having to deal with the daily stress of cheeking pills.  That’s the only logical solution; no sane person could listen to these idiots drivel on day after day and continue to come up with sensible answers.

 

Abby, please tell your schizophrenic host that the best thing he can do for himself at this point is ask for the “good stuff” and go to sleep.  That or bust out of that joint and hit the first liquor store he comes into contact with. 

 

-SHAKING MY HEAD WITH DELUSIONAL THOUGHTS OF STRANGLING SOME “DEAR ABBY” READERS IN TEXAS

What’s With You Younguns and You’re Danged Cell Phones? – An Amelia Post

Amelia is back and she’s on fire this time!  I probably never told you guys this but, Amelia is what some might consider an elderly person but I prefer to refer to her as an “extreme adult.”  So today, as I was playing on my cell phone for the millionth time today, she came to me and asked if she could make the blog post today.

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Anyone remember these things?
Photo Credit: cbsknci.com

The problem with young people today is that they all have cell phones.

Back when I was a boy, we didn’t carry phones with us. In my day phones weighed 10 pounds, had rotary dials and were firmly attached to your father’s desk. They were phones of substance, damn it.

We young people weren’t allowed to use the phone. Ever. It was there for emergencies or special occasions like the death of a relative. If I had ever told my dad I wanted to cart a phone around with me he would have strapped a phone booth to my back, kicked my ass out the back door and told me to call him when I got to Hell.

In my day, if you wanted to talk to a friend you walked across the street and spoke to him in person. Archaic? Perhaps. But it was free and it didn’t give you brain cancer.

But these young people today. You’d swear they had cell phones grafted into their palms at birth. They walk down the street blathering away on their blueberries and blacktooths like a bunch of chattering howler monkeys out on a day pass from the zoo.

And what they Hell are they talking about all the time anyway? Last time I checked, young people had nothing of consequence to say, no opinion worthy of vocalizing and no ideas that weren’t half-baked, half-witted or completely half-assed.

If I wanted to listen to inane teen banter I’d go talk to the staff at Old Navy.  I sure as Hell don’t need to listen to the idiotic musing of every young person riding the Downtown 34 Express bus. You know what? I don’t care what dumbass boy you “like,” what flavour lip gloss you’re wearing, or want to be subjected to your moronic debate on the relative merits of the new Hannah Montana moving picture.

Here’s an incoming message for you:  “Shut the Hell up, you’re annoying me.”

It’s a terrible disgrace and the death of decent conversation. The young people should hang up their phones, button their mouths and just listen for a while. They may damned well learn something.

They all have cell phones. That’s the problem with young people today.