A lot of things have changed in my life recently, and despite how the last couple of blogs have sounded, some of those things have actually been good things; great things even.
I’ve always been the type of person who can’t sit still for very long. Truth be told, I probably have mild ADD/ADHD and was just never diagnosed with it, but regardless, the fact is, I tend to be a fairly kinesthetic person. (Sure would be nice if my fat butt actually LOOKED like I was as active as I am!
When I was little, I was the only kid in the neighborhood. Pair that with being an only child, and obviously I didn’t really have anyone to play with, so I had to become pretty darn imaginative. I spent HOURS in our backyard playing by myself.
Whoa, what? You mean kids actually used to play outside
Yup, and I LOVED it!
I remember when we would go places, I couldn’t wait to get home so I could go outside. I hated rainy days because my mom would get mad at me for dragging mud in the house, and I couldn’t stand winter because it got dark way too early.
I would run around and act like a fool for hours on end in that back yard, until my mom, after telling me 4 times that it was too dark out, would come and grab me and literally drag me back inside the house.
My point is, I was never that kid that sat at home and watched TV or played video games. I did that a little bit, but honestly, I was good for about 3 hours of that a week and the rest had to be doing something active, outside of the house.
When I grew old enough to drive, I was NEVER home. I found something to do, even if it was just driving up and down the same streets every day, day dreaming about the future; reminiscing about the past.
As I grew into an adult, I began to realize why I was the way that I am. It’s because my mother was the exact same way. That woman could go 90 miles an hour and always find something to do. We were constantly on the go, whether it was shopping or traveling, or going to auctions. If I wasn’t in school, and she wasn’t working, you can bet your boots that she and I were out doing something together. You would be hard pressed to find either of us at home.
So that was my life from about the time I was 21 until now. It was always “go, go, go!” and we were always out getting in to some sort of trouble together. I think that’s the part of the relationship that everyone is so jealous of, because when I say she was my best friend, she really was.
Now I’m really making an attempt to not make this next part sound resentful, because I want to make it clear that I don’t resent my mother for taking up every last minute of my free time. I’m thankful for the time we got together, and I’m so glad that, for the most part, I took advantage of it. I consider myself one of the lucky ones that never has to wonder what would have happened had I spent more time with her, though I do still wish I HAD more time with her.
There were times when I would get mad at her though. She found it hard to accept sometimes that I had friends, and those friends sometimes wanted me to go out and do things with them. They liked my mom, and they usually would invite her to go along, but she never accepted the invitations. I think she felt like she would be a third wheel.
And of course, I was growing into an adult, and I wanted to start a life of my own at some point, and to do such things, you have to go on dates with boys(or girls, if that’s your thing), and obviously she didn’t want to come along for those.
So I made an effort to not be overly social, because I got the feeling that she felt somewhat abandoned in a way, and it broke my heart to think that she thought I had rejected her in any way.
Now I’ve found myself with a lot of free time. I’ve found myself miserable at points because I have nothing to do but sit at home and watch TV, and I’ve already made it clear that sitting at home is not something I’m keen to enjoy.
But things are starting to pick up. Friends are starting to call, wanting me to go do things with them on a regular basis. Just this past weekend I was rarely home more than a couple hours. I found myself out with the night creepers on Saturday evening and back up with the roosters Sunday morning. I got about 2 hours of sleep Saturday night and I LOVED it! I absolutely loved the fact that I had so much to do, that I didn’t even have time to sleep!
All that said, I have to admit, it’s been a bit awkward — teaching myself to be social again. I’ve never been a “type A” personality, so while I love doing things, I may not always be the most social person. I’ve had to train myself to just let loose and do different things, because once I get out there and start doing them, I have a blast! But now I have to figure out how to balance social life with “adult” responsibilities, and I think that’s what I’ve been struggling with the most. Because I feel like I have so much of a social life that I have to “catch up” on, I want to do as much of that as I can all at one time.
And I almost feel like I may be using the social thing to avoid some responsibilities. Not because I’m an irresponsible person, but because I’m still not ready to completely accept reality and begin the process of moving on. I don’t necessarily think that’s an altogether bad thing, based off feedback I’ve gotten from others. There’s absolutely no reason that I should rush anything, I should just take things a little at a time and do them on MY time. There is no rulebook or set time table that says you have to get to this point at a certain time, and you have to accept this by this time. All you can do is wing it…and that’s what I’m doing!
So anyways, today is projected to be a quiet day, I’m sure some of you will be getting the infamous “I’m so bbbooooorrrreeeddd” text that you’ve undoubtedly gotten from me in the past, just a fair warning on that!
I do have adult things that I should take care of today, so I reckon I should get started on that.
Unless, someone wants to hang out….