Date: June 24, 2013
To: First Lieutenant Harry Legs, GH 415th Air Division
From: Colonel Sam Hopper
Re: Assignment GH00035124 Code Name: Hop ’til you drop
The purpose of this memorandum is to inform you of your next assignment. Your mission, should you chose to accept (and let’s face it, you don’t really have a choice), is to join your peers on the front line.
War has been declared by the enemy and we will stop at nothing to disengage further advancement of our territory. We have already sent upwards of 3,000 troops to the front line in an effort to enforce and defend our rights to peacefully develop habitation for our civilians yet, the enemy remains futile and continues to resist our pleas to surrender.
We have informed the troops to use any means necessary to persuade our adversaries into submission.
Please note, this is a very dangerous assignment and we expect an abnormally high rate of fatality. We know this is hard news for anyone to accept however, we also know that when you took the oath of your office, you agreed to stand up for the rights of our people and allow no personal conflicts to prevent you from fulfilling your duties.
It is with the utmost respect and appreciation that we bequeath this honor upon you.
Good luck, and remember “May the evergreen blades always be with you.”
It’s all beginning to make sense now.
Just the other day, someone told me that I should write a blog about the crazy amount of grasshoppers out this year. I thought it was a good idea but, at the same time, wasn’t really sure I could come up with enough information to make a good blog.
Until I came under attack.
Imagine this, if you will:
You are minding your own business, driving down a scenic country back road, enjoying the view and music from your radio. Because your car hates you, its air conditioner decided to die on you therefore, you are forced to roll with the windows down in the middle of summer. Despite the obvious reasons that this scenario sucks, I.E. it’s HOT, there is an unseen danger lurking just a few feet away.
The Kamikaze Grasshopper
There I was, driving along, not a care in the world when suddenly, SMACK! Right in the forehead. I seriously thought I had been shot. As my mind ran around in circles, trying to make sense of everything, I found myself thinking of all the things I’ve yet to do in this life. I began to feel the life drain from my very veins.
Then I thought, “What the heck? I’m a likeable person; I don’t really have any enemies, who in the world just shot me?” That’s when I looked down at my shirt and saw the beady eyes of Jiminy Cricket (because let’s face it, if you’ve seen the Disney version, Jiminy is a freaking grasshopper, not a cricket!) looking up at me as his squirmy little legs realigned themselves from the ungodly position of the impact and hop off happily, unscathed.
Seriously? I’m driving 50 miles an hour and you just hit me in the head. I’m writhing in pain and you’re just gonna hop off like nothing happened? What the heck are grasshoppers made of? Titanium?
And that was just the FIRST attack.
A big portion of my job requires me to drive a quad bike through a pasture…filled with kamikaze grasshoppers. Just today, as I was zooming through, an entire army came flying towards me out of nowhere, a couple even managed to peg me directly in the eye!
Could this possibly be the sign of end times? Did God switch out the plague of locusts with grasshoppers? Wait…aren’t locusts a type of grasshopper? Oh Lord….the end is near! Run! Save yourselves while you still have the chance!!!
They must have an alliance with the spiders.