Acid God Wasps
I had to be an adult today and take care of something on my own that I had absolutely no desire to take care of. Think of the scariest thing that could ever happen to you. Are you thinking? Think harder! Good, now think of that thing and multiply it by twenty bazillion. Scary huh?
Let me start by reminding everyone that I have this irrational fear of any type of flying insect that comes equipped with its own hypodermic needle attached to its rear end. If you are new here or just don’t remember the recollection of my encounter with a bee in the car, you should check that out- just for the heck of it!
I say I have a fear of these creatures, but to be quite honest, I’m pretty sure it’s more of a phobia than anything else. So imagine my horror this evening when I realized that there was a family (?) of wasps building a nest on my freaking front door!
This situation normally would come as no big deal to most people but to me, it was a life changing, and possibly ending event. It came to my attention that I may be trapped in my house for the rest of my life. The biggest problem was, not only did I have them on my front door; I discovered a nest next to my back door just a few days ago. I’ve ignored that one and just avoided the back yard completely.
Seeing as I was pretty much alone in this situation, I finally mustered up the nerve to grab the wasp annihilator, aka wasp and hornet spray, and attempt to do the dirty work.
I had several concerns about doing this myself, first of all, despite the fact that it says right on the bottle “kills on contact” I found myself very skeptical of that statement. I just knew that with their dying breath, these wasps would find a way to take their vengeance out on me, it was inevitable. And just for the record, 27 ft is NO WHERE NEAR far enough away. It didn’t help any that I had already managed to thoroughly piss them off by repeatedly banging on the door hard enough to shake them loose from their nest, not a bright idea, I know, but I was determined to get rid of these suckers without ever having to so much as crack my door open. Since that didn’t work, I had to do it the hard way.
I decided to do a practice run on the nest in the back. It was hanging on the back wall of the house and it was in the perfect place so that I could just crack the back door open enough to stick the spray bottle out and quickly slam the door shut, which is exactly what I did. The moment the spray hit nest, the wasps scattered, bursting into a huge circle, much like a 4th of July fireworks display. It probably would have been pretty had I not been terrified.
I slammed the door quickly, before taking note as to whether or not the wasps died as they plummeted to the ground. After about twenty minutes of attempting to reassure myself, I slowly creaked the back door open. No one was flying however; there was one of the nasty little critters still attached to the nest, twitching. I attacked him with spray again, he stayed attached to the nest but ceased all movement. It was a success.
With my newfound confidence I actually opened the back door and stood on my back porch for the first time in days! My, that felt amazing! With spray still in hand, I walked around to the front of the house. As I rounded the corner, I crept up slowly, as if the wasps would sense me coming and know what I was up to. I stood there for a minute, watching them. They did nothing but flutter their wings from time to time and continue on with their business. I crouched, so as not to be seen, as I peeked around the corner of the house. I steadied my hand, which by this time was trembling in sheer terror, and aimed my weapon at the enemy. I drew in a deep breath and squeezed the trigger.
The bugs fluttered, they obviously knew there was danger in the air and they were now on full alert. By now I can only imagine how pissed I would be if I was a wasp-first being attacked by shattering earthquakes, then full out biological warfare. I hid around the corner for a few minutes, giving myself the opportunity to calm down. After a few moments, I peeked around the corner again. They were happily doing whatever happy wasps do, seemingly oblivious to the fact that a major threat was still present. I held my breath, aimed the weapon again, this time making fully sure that I would hit them then I pulled the trigger.
They never stood a chance, the moment the spray hit them, they instantly fell to the ground. However, I would not allow myself to get too cocky just yet. I stood around the corner for a few more minutes, and finally worked up the nerve to go up on the porch and see my achievements for myself. One of them was still twitching so I shot him again.
I know it sounds like overkill but this is wasp warfare, we take no prisoners, and leave no survivors.
After I was done, I texted the boy, who had comically sympathized with me. I was still terrified and shaking so I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention to the words I was typing and this is where the title of this blog gets its name.