I’m Always Last to be First

June has definitely proven to be a month of firsts.  I killed my first wasps all by myself a couple weeks ago, last weekend I went to the movies all by myself for the first time, tonight I went out to an actual restaurant all by myself for the first time, and while there, I watched my first NASCAR race.

Considering how much I adore my alone time, I suppose it’s rather odd that I haven’t done these things by myself before.  But they were all good experiences (even the wasps killing) and I felt good about myself in the end.  The movie was a little awkward because I chose a cartoon, I LOVE cartoons, so I felt slightly out of place in there, a grown woman without any munchkins, but no one turned me in for being a pedophile so I reckon it turned out okay.

However, of all the firsts I’ve experience this month, this one takes the cake.  This is definitely the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this.

Source: Texas Storm Chasers, however it was really just posted on my Facebook page by one of my friends
Source: Texas Storm Chasers, however it was really just posted on my Facebook page by one of my friends

I’ve made a few posts about bugs the last few weeks and now, I guess, you see I am justified in my complaints.  I normally don’t mind the bugs, but this year they have been ridiculously horrible.

I even have a spider living in my car.

Hold up, let me say that again so it will sink in.  I have an 8 legged member of the arachnid family who has straight up taken residence in my poor little Suzie.  Homeboy has been there for two days now.  He’s weaved quite an intricate web between my dashboard and passenger seat and he’s been sitting in the exact same spot for the last two days.

I know what you are all thinking. Just take the web down, right?  But I have to say, I have some comfort in knowing that he is there.  Because if I take the web down, he will crawl off and I won’t know where he is.  At least with him sitting happily in the middle of his web, I know where he is.

I’m afraid if he’s stays much longer I will have to give him a name, and perhaps start giving him some sort of allowance.  If I take care of him, does he become a dependant that I can claim on my taxes this year?

I’m not exactly sure what he expects to catch in my car, though so far he has managed to catch a paper straw wrapper.  Maybe he has a sweet tooth.  Regardless, I reckon I’ll just let him chill in the passenger seat of my car for the time being, maybe I can train him to eat bees.

Fish Are Friends, Not Food…Humans on the Other Hand….

First of all, I have several new followers so let me just start by telling you all a huge not-so-secret secret about me.  Yes, I have dogs, yes, I love dogs.  Yes, I have horses, yes I love horses. Yes, I pretty much love all animals(especially baby pigs)…except bees.    However, as cute and kissable as baby pigs are, and as loyal and loving as my dogs are, one group of animals stands alone as my absolute favorite animal on the face of the planet.

(I can hear my friends groaning…”Oh God, here she goes again…)

Are you ready for it?

Are ya sure?

Okay…here goes.

I FREAKING LOVE SHARKS!!!

Yes, sharks.  Those ill-behaved, ravenous, snaggle-toothed, MAN EATERS!  I love them.  I think sharks are the absolute coolest animal God ever made.  And yes, I’ve seen the latest commercial out for “Shark Week” – the one that has made quite a stir- the one that shows “Snuffy the seal” being devoured by a shark as he is being hoisted back into the wild after rehabilitation.

Yes, I laughed.  Is that bad? I’m sorry, have you not met me yet?  Hi! My name is Sam, and I’m apparently one of the most cold-hearted people on the face of the planet.

Anyways, I’m totally off base, I’m not here to talk about that commercial.

It is that time of year when our TVs and computers are flooded with news of shark attacks here and there.  It’s already started with an event that happened in Pacifica involving a man in a kayak.  Apparently a shark swam up under a fisherman in a kayak, grabbed the boat, shook it back and forth, let go, swam around in a circle, and disappeared.

People…when are we going to learn?  Seriously?  Did you not watch “Finding Nemo”?  Bruce tried to clue you in.  “Fish are friends, not food” obviously means “we are giving up sushi for something more yummy, like…oh I dunno, HUMANS!”

I get it, beaches are fun, fishing is fun, swimming is fun.  Sharks obviously agree.

And for those of you who have yet to see this….

Please Don’t Give me Free Money!

I was raised to believe that when someone offers you money for something, and it’s really not necessary (i.e. helping them move, doing something within your job description and you’re really not going above and beyond) it is customary to decline.  This rule is usually fairly easy to follow, I’m the type of person that never expects much more than a simple “thanks” now and then.  But I’m also not a very good negotiator/arguer.

Generally, when someone offers me a “tip”(for lack of a better word) the conversation goes something like this:

Generous person:  I really appreciate the job you are doing and for that, I wanted to give you this.  (Pulls money from pocket)

Me: Oh, you really don’t have to do that.

Generous Person: Are you sure?

Me: Yeah, I really enjoy (helping people, my job, taking care of things)

Generous Person: Okay (Puts money back in pocket)

 

This scenario plays out perfectly leaving both people feeling good about it.  The Generous Person feels good because they got to keep their money (there’s always a risk that someone won’t decline) and I feel good because I didn’t take some poor saps money, and I feel like I’m doing something good for the world to boot.

A problem occurs however, when the generous person is more persistent and the conversation always ends up like this:

Generous person:  I really appreciate the job you are doing and for that, I wanted to give you this.  (Pulls money from pocket)

Me: Oh, you really don’t have to do that.

Generous Person: No, you’re right, I don’t have to do that but I want to.

Me: Are you sure?  (Notice how that switched around?)

Generous Person: Yes, Take it!  (Shoves it sternly in my hand)

Me: Oh, Okay, well thanks! (walks away feeling slightly dejected that I didn’t try harder NOT to take the money)

 

So let me just end by saying.  If you ever want to make me feel good about the things I’m doing by “offering” money that you REALLY don’t want to part with, always end the negotiations after the first decline, because otherwise, I will falter and awkwardly accept the money.

Of Course You Know…This Means War

===Intercepted Communication===

 

Date: June 24, 2013

Time: 0715

To: First Lieutenant Harry Legs, GH 415th Air Division

From: Colonel Sam Hopper

Re: Assignment GH00035124 Code Name: Hop ’til you drop

The purpose of this memorandum is to inform you of your next assignment.  Your mission, should you chose to accept (and let’s face it, you don’t really have a choice), is to join your peers on the front line.  

War has been declared by the enemy and we will stop at nothing to disengage further advancement of our territory.  We have already sent upwards of 3,000 troops to the front line in an effort to enforce and defend our rights to peacefully develop habitation for our civilians yet, the enemy remains futile and continues to resist our pleas to surrender.  

We have informed the troops to use any means necessary to persuade our adversaries into submission.

Please note, this is a very dangerous assignment and we expect an abnormally high rate of fatality.  We know this is hard news for anyone to accept however, we also know that when you took the oath of your office, you agreed to stand up for the rights of our people and allow no personal conflicts to prevent you from fulfilling your duties.

It is with the utmost respect and appreciation that we bequeath this honor upon you.

Good luck, and remember “May the evergreen blades always be with you.”

End Communication

 

It’s all beginning to make sense now.

Just the other day, someone told me that I should write a blog about the crazy amount of grasshoppers out this year.  I thought it was a good idea but, at the same time, wasn’t really sure I could come up with enough information to make a good blog.

Until I came under attack.

Imagine this, if you will:

You are minding your own business, driving down a scenic country back road, enjoying the view and music from your radio.  Because your car hates you, its air conditioner decided to die on you therefore, you are forced to roll with the windows down in the middle of summer.  Despite the obvious reasons that this scenario sucks, I.E. it’s HOT, there is an unseen danger lurking just a few feet away.

The Kamikaze Grasshopper

There I was, driving along, not a care in the world when suddenly, SMACK!  Right in the forehead.  I seriously thought I had been shot.  As my mind ran around in circles, trying to make sense of everything, I found myself thinking of all the things I’ve yet to do in this life.  I began to feel the life drain from my very veins.

Then I thought, “What the heck?  I’m a likeable person; I don’t really have any enemies, who in the world just shot me?”  That’s when I looked down at my shirt and saw the beady eyes of Jiminy Cricket (because let’s face it, if you’ve seen the Disney version, Jiminy is a freaking grasshopper, not a cricket!) looking up at me as his squirmy little legs realigned themselves from the ungodly position of the impact and hop off happily, unscathed.

Grasshopper....obviously Source:firethepope.com
Grasshopper….obviously
Source:firethepope.com

Seriously?  I’m driving 50 miles an hour and you just hit me in the head.  I’m writhing in pain and you’re just gonna hop off like nothing happened?  What the heck are grasshoppers made of?  Titanium?

And that was just the FIRST attack.

A big portion of my job requires me to drive a quad bike through a pasture…filled with kamikaze grasshoppers.  Just today, as I was zooming through, an entire army came flying towards me out of nowhere, a couple even managed to peg me directly in the eye!

Kamikaze-hopper Source:bbbseed.com
Kamikaze-hopper
Source:bbbseed.com

Could this possibly be the sign of end times?  Did God switch out the plague of locusts with grasshoppers?  Wait…aren’t locusts a type of grasshopper?  Oh Lord….the end is near!  Run!  Save yourselves while you still have the chance!!!

They must have an alliance with the spiders.

I’m Having a Baby!

I’ve really been in a funk these last couple of days.  In fact, I even wrote a long blog about how I’m a cold-hearted, emotion-less person who hides everything inside until it finally explodes.

I started to post it, but since I’ve been somewhat un-funny the last few days, I decided to “86” it…probably for the best!

On to bigger, better things….my Adrianna post yielded me a large number of new followers.  I can’t decide if I’m happy or creeped out about this.  I’m still trying to figure out which of the search words would be justifiable in saying that this new class of followers isn’t a bunch of nymphomaniacs, but quite frankly, there really isn’t one.

That being said…WELCOME PERVERTS!  I can’t wait to let you all down (pun fully intended)!

Seriously though, I apparently reached a new milestone in followers because WordPress felt it necessary to notify me of my recent upward shift of minions.  I guess I better put my big girl panties on and try to use the rest of this wasted space with something exciting and useful, lest you shall all run away.

OOoh…Oooh!  While we are talking about sex crazed maniacs, I guess now’s as good a time as any to tell you all the good news.

Yes!  I’m having a baby!*

Don’t believe me?  It’s true!  How do I know this? Because Facebook told me so!  If it’s on the internet, it has to be true right?

For the past month or so, every time I log in to Facebook it shows me this ad:

baby

I’m glad Facebook knows more about my body than I do, I would hate to be one of those crazy girls who tells her story on “I was pregnant and didn’t know it!”

So thank-you Mark Zuckerberg, for creating a site that is more in tuned to the human body than humans themselves, just for your geniousness and ingenuity, I just may make you my child’s godfather!

*Since my mother and boyfriend are probably both dying from a heart attack as we speak, I feel I should add this disclaimer to let everyone know I am NOT really pregnant…that would be horrible…y’all know how I feel about kids!

Fair warning, for those of you that come here for comic relief.  I’m feeling tired and uninspired tonight so this is going to be a rather random post tonight and probably not all that entertaining.  Hopefully you will enjoy anyways, and if not, I do hope you will return in the future and see that this was not the norm tonight!

 

First things first, I walked into the barn this morning and found this…

AAACCCKKKK!!! She's stalking me!
AAACCCKKKK!!! She’s stalking me!

 

I have to confess,this totally made me stop everything I was doing and just take a minute or two to laugh.  I love that people enjoy my blogs, whether they be people I know or not, I just like to know that someone out there somewhere is reading my posts and maybe something I said made their day just a tiny bit better.

Enough with the inspirational mumbo jumbo…that’s all you get folks!

I really don’t have much to talk about today, honestly the only reason I’m even blogging tonight is because I needed an excuse to post that picture.

So why not continue with pictures?  I tend to take pictures of just about anything so, as I was searching for the above submission, I found some pretty random pictures in my phone.  Let’s have a look at ’em….maybe we can have some fun huh?

IMAG3057

I really probably shouldn’t share this one with you, it’s pretty darn pathetic if I’m honest.  This was my pantry about 2 weeks ago.  A result of my sheer laziness and denial to go to the grocery store.  Sadly, my fridge looked even worse.

IMAG3059-1

 

I’m not afraid of snakes really, if I have to I’ll catch one…one of the nicer ones.  That being said, I’m pretty darn glad this guy died before I got a chance to meet him.  It’s hard to tell from the picture but this is not your cute little garden variety snake.  This sucker was HUGE and though I’m no snake expert, based on the fact that this guy was in the creek and I know for a fact that there are water moccasins in there, I don’t think he would have been one of the friendly guys!

IMAG3060

 

I can’t put my finger on it, but something’s just not quite right here….hmmmmm….

IMAG3069-1

 

I literally stopped in the middle of the road to get a picture of this guy. This isn’t one of the horses at our barn, but I just love baby leopard appys…I had to stop and look at him.

 

IMAG3072

 

I actually wrote an entire blog on this picture but it just never felt right.  This is what happens when you drop a brand new bottle of laundry detergent on your kitchen floor.

 

IMAG3124

 

My kiddos pretending to be super heroes!

And finally…..

A scary close up of Winston…everyone run in horror!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

IMAG3127

 

Get to Shaking Those Sticks!

I had a really long, tiring day today so I decided to just go with a simple post today…enjoy.

Someone said something the other day, something I’ve heard a million times in my lifetime and never really given it much thought.  This time however, it struck me in a way that made me really wonder what the heck the saying means and why we insist on repeating these sayings to get our point across.

So it got me to thinking, there really are a lot of catchy expressions out there that we use without giving them much thought.  Let’s look at those sayings in an analytical sense and expose them for what they are.

Starting with the phrase that inspired this blog in the first place:

“She’s got skeletons in her closet”

Ummm, okay I know that this is meant figuratively but if you think about it, it really makes no sense at all.  The interpreted meaning of this phrase is “She has deep, dark, secrets that no one knows about.”

While this statement may be true for just about everyone out there, skeletons in a closet really couldn’t be held a secret for long.  In order for a body to become a skeleton, it must first die.  Once it dies, it begins to decay.  I don’t make a habit of going around and sniffing dead things but, the truth is most of us are bound to accidentally come across SOMETHING dead in our lifetime, whether it be a mouse that has crawled inside the walls or a long lost family pet.  If you have been living under a rock and somehow haven’t had the (dis) pleasure of coming across something that is in the decomposition stages, take my word for it, it STINKS. So it goes without saying, if you have skeletons in your closet, your neighbors are eventually going to find out about it!

Nothing to see here folks! Source:apihtawikosisan.com
Nothing to see here folks!
Source:apihtawikosisan.com

“I got it straight from the horse’s mouth”

Translation:  “I heard it from a reputable party who was present at the time and trust their word to be the whole truth, nothing but the truth.”

I spend HOURS upon HOURS a day working with horses.  If there’s one thing I know, their mouths are filthy.  Well maybe not filthy but, have you ever seen a horse’s mouth?  Don’t get me wrong, I love my equine friends but I’ve long wondered why in the heck God made these absolutely gorgeous creatures yet, gave them the most hideous looking teeth on the face of the planet.  Furthermore, horses are somewhat sketchy creatures.  As prey animals, they will do what it takes to keep themselves from getting in any sort of danger, that means, if they have to lie to keep from getting in trouble (assuming they could talk) they will do it without giving it half a seconds thought.  Again, I love my kiddos but, if they could talk, I really don’t know how trustworthy they would be.

Would you trust this? Source:battenkillequine.com
Would you trust this?
Source:battenkillequine.com

“She’s head over heels in love”

Translation:  “She’s very much in love”

Wait…hang on a second….a little longer….okay.  Sorry about that, I had to get up and look in a mirror for a second because I could have sworn this morning when I stared at my sleepy reflection while brushing my teeth that my head was already above my heels.  And, until I learn to walk on my hands (I can’t even master a dang hand stand much less walk) I’m pretty sure that’s where it’s going to stay.

Dude!  You're doing it wrong! Source: www.phrases.org.uk
Dude! You’re doing it wrong!
Source: http://www.phrases.org.uk

“A day without sunshine”

Translation: “A bad day”

You mean like…night?

Source: creativejuice.org
Source: creativejuice.org

“He has more junk than you can shake a stick at”

Translation: A LOT

This phrase actually DOES make sense to me.  If someone has like ten thousand poodles, I really have no intention of wasting my entire day shaking a stick at them.  Which brings me to the real point:  Why the heck do I want to shake a stick at them anyways?  Unless it’s a magical stick which will turn the poodles in to hundred dollar bills, in which case, I’ll shake that stick all damn day!

Source: www.lefthandedtoons.com
Source: http://www.lefthandedtoons.com

Run Wilbur! Charlotte Has Become a Murderer!

First of all, I want you all to know that after my incident the other day; I have become a “slightly” braver person.  I found some wasps had made their way inside my house this evening and I was able to dispose of them with far less drama than the last time.

Go me!

The bugs have been horrible this year, more so than normal, it seems.  After walking through at least 53.5 million spider webs this morning (that’s an accurate number by the way) I’ve come to the conclusion that spiders have changed their way of thinking.

It used to be that you would see a spider web and automatically know that some eight legged bug was trying to catch another bug so it could wrap it up in a cozy, custom made silk blanket and suck its guts out.  How’s that for hospitality?  “Here you go sir, have a nice warm blanket, on the house.  No, no, don’t mind me; I’m just trying to suck all your internal organs out through a tiny incision in the back of your neck, nothing to worry about!”

Now, before all of you politically correct people start screaming at me and saying stupid, un-needed things like “Spiders are arachnids, NOT bugs!” Let me just say, if it has slimy legs, a million eyes, and wears it’s skeleton on the outside…it’s a freaking bug!

BUG! Source:www.123rf.com
BUG!
Source:www.123rf.com

Anyways, no, it seems that spiders have decided that by building bigger webs, they can achieve so much more.  Why settle for tiny little flies and lighting bugs when you can have a bigger prize, humans! This has to be the case, why else would I spend my day swatting through a jungle of spider webs (that I’m pretty sure I knocked down the day before) just to walk into the bathroom to see their menacing eight eyes staring back at me while I try to do my business in peace?

And all this time you thought this only happened in cheasy horror flicks! Source:www.movie-mistreatments.com
And all this time you thought this only happened in cheesy horror flicks!
Source:www.movie-mistreatments.com

I really wish I could go back in time and have a nice long conversation with E.B. White and yell at him for leading me, as a child, to think that all spiders did was build beautiful webs and talk to pigs.  Come on, y’all know how much I love pigs; spiders should be my best friends!  But I have yet find one that will help me find that little mini pig I’ve so desperately hoped to love and cherish as though it were my child.

Don't trust her Wilbur!  She's going to suck your guts out!!! Source:hollywoodelephant.blogspot.com
Don’t trust her Wilbur! She’s going to suck your guts out!!!
Source:hollywoodelephant.blogspot.com