Dear Discovery Channel,
Today marks, as you are well aware, the 25th anniversary of the greatest week of television ever known to man kind.
For 25 years you have brought “Shark Week” to the public, for 25 years I have watched religiously. (Yes, I started watching Shark Week when I was 4 years old, believe it, it’s true!) For 29 years, 11 months, 17 days, and 14 minutes (No, I’m not conceding to 30 until the very last minute!) I have been the shark’s biggest advocate. And I can’t help but think that Shark Week was created with me in mind, seeing as it comes a week before my birthday every year….what an AWESOME birthday present, thanks Discovery Channel!
This is why I’m writing you. This year you have added a GIANT mechanical shark fondly known as “Sharkzilla” (think it’s supposed to be a lifesize Megaladon which would be sooooo freaking cool to see in person!) to your promotional campaign. I would like to make you a proposition; the purpose of this letter is to ask you to please, please, please, please, make me my own mechanical “Sharkzilla Jr.” I really NNNNEEEEEDDDDD one! In return for your generous offer, I will faithfully continue to love all sharks of the world and educate people that they are idiots for jumping in the ocean and assuming that sharks instinctively know that humans are superior to them and should not be eaten.
Not yet convinced? Well, let me tell you a little about myself.
I stand confident in knowing that I’m likely the only person in the world who has ever bawled during “Jaws” not because I grew any emotional bond to the human characters but rather, I fell in love with the HERO of the show who was so inhumanely destroyed by having a scuba tank shoved down his throat! I found myself flinching each time that Brody shot his gun at the scuba tank and missed thinking, “The shark is actually going to win!” Imagine my surprise and dismay when he finally landed the “kill shot”.
Oh what a sad moment that was.
I suffered through the 3 sequels and for the most part was on board, despite the fact that the 4th installment found Ellen Brody making claims that a shark had a vendetta against her despite the fact that the shark had been killed in the previous 3 movies, not sure why the 4th shark would have any reason to chase her all the way to the Bahamas!
Oh and let’s not forget that in the previous 3 movies it was somehow left out that all you really have to do to kill a shark is simply stab it and it will explode into a fireball of shark guts in mid air.
Are you going to feature this fact in one of your new shows this year? I think it would be beneficial for people to know if they are ever attacked by a ravenous, man eating shark, with a vendetta against them.
Furthermore, I have even suffered through a number of movies (the latter included) that seem to think it’s a cool idea to give the sharks a fierce growl. While I think it would be awesome for sharks to be able to speak, the fact of the matter is, they have no vocal cords.
Anyways, the point that I’m trying to make here is, I LOVE SHARKS! They simply are the coolest animals on the face of the planet and I desperately NEED a mechanical Sharkzilla to place in my front yard.
Also, I’m a pretty anti-social person and I think this would be a great defense against unwanted visitors.
Thanks for your time.
Your fellow faithful shark lover,