When Will I Learn?

I feel the need to be slightly serious today so I want to go ahead and apologize for that now!

 

It’s been a weird, kinda rough couple weeks for me around the home front however before I get on a my soap box, I should make it clear that there are a few people in my life who have been a tremendous and over flowing source of support.  These people know who they are and I’m truly thankful to them for being there for me.  Now, on to the gripey part!

 

I would be surprised if anyone who knows me would describe me as anything besides the following:

 

  • Mild Mannered
  • Even Tempered
  • Not Easily Provoked
  • Thick Skinned
  • Submissive
  • Forgiving
  • Level Headed

 

To me, most of those sound like fairly desirable qualities, just about anyone would be able to handle stress as well as me or be able to see the good in just about anyone.  At the risk of sounding arrogant, I feel like I’m a pretty likeable and decent person.

 

I haven’t always been this way though in fact, up until about five years ago, I possessed several less desirable qualities.  Honestly, I just hadn’t grown up yet, I was always very good at making people believe that I was mature for my age but the truth is; there was still an adolescent, rebellious, child trapped inside me, waiting for the best opportunity to lash out.

 

Without going too deeply into details I was a somewhat careless, uncaring, suspicious, and hateful person on the inside well into my mid 20s- I found myself compulsively lying, stealing money from my mother, not taking responsibility for my actions, all while effectively playing the role of the victim.  I’m sure a psychology major could attribute it to certain parts of my childhood, I didn’t have a horrible childhood but I did encounter a decently higher number of hostile situations than the equivalent peers of my time.  I was (and still am) just very good at putting on a brave face.

 

I’m not proud of who I was in this dark time in my life, in fact, I wish I could just erase most of my life starting around the age of 17 and starting back over around 25.

 

I don’t know why this occurred, I don’t know exactly when it was, but I can remember the details of the moment.  I know where I was, I know what I was doing leading up to the event, I know what was on the TV at the time.  I remember closing my eyes and thinking to myself “I have to grow up” and when I opened my eyes, I truly felt like a new person.  I know to some of you this may sound a little “Hollywood-ish” and honestly, I can’t blame you for your opinion.

 

Anyways, where am I going with this?

 

I made a couple of major changes in my life and attitude that day.  The old me was a very sensitive person.  She would drop down on her knees and start crying like a damn fool if you so much as looked at her funny.  The new/current me has grown a very thick skin over the years and it takes quite a bit more to shake me so much that you bring tears to my eyes.  People, who know the current me, with the exception of a select few, have never seen me cry.  That will probably never change.  It’s just who I am, I don’t get upset and honestly, I’ve learned to love this side of me, though I know it has major downfalls.  People tend to view me as emotionless and cold, they think I have no feelings and can not experience things like sadness and disappointment, they also wrongly assume that I am hateful and not capable of empathy.  I wouldn’t say that describes me very well, I experience emotions just like anyone else; I’ve just learned to cover them up.

 

There is another major change that I made in my life that day, perhaps more of a vow than a change.  As I sat there, reflecting back on who I had become and what events in my life had gotten me to that spot, I promised myself that I would NEVER find myself in a position anywhere close to where I previously had been.

 

I can’t say that I regret this promise in fact, for the most part, I’m proud of myself for sticking with it this long.  However, the problem that comes along with this vow is that I am so committed to myself that I will not allow for faults or weaknesses of any shape or form, even if those exceptions are actually beneficial.  In short, I’m FAR too hard on myself.

 

I have learned to be very forgiving of people and their tendency to be imperfect.  I’ve accepted that we are all human and mistakes were created to be made.

 

As long as I’m not the one making the mistakes.

 

Mistakes made on my part are considered unforgiveable in my head.  I can not grasp my mind around the fact that I’m human just like everyone else and I have to allow for a certain degree of errors.  My brain and loyalty to myself just simply will not allow it and because of this, I often become somewhat detrimental to myself.

 

I realize and recognize that I have to allow myself to make mistakes for, without them, what will I learn?  It’s just been a very long road and I have to find that healthy balance.

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4 thoughts on “When Will I Learn?

  1. I’m with you on wishing I could erase years 17-25. This was a really good post, and I hope you can find that balance you are looking for.

    1. Thanks! I know it deviated a little from my normal jovial careless ones but being an introvert, writing has always been the way I express my emotions. Sometimes it just helps to confess things to the world!

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