Amelia’s Take on “Dear Abby”

Amelia’s been a bit cranky today and I think you will see that come up in this post.  Enjoy! – Sam



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“DEAR ABBY: I have been married nearly a year. My husband and I were together for five years before that. I am his fourth wife.


What’s bothering me is he gets most of his mail delivered to his mother’s — things such as his cell phone bill, his paychecks, etc. Everything he owns is in storage in another country. He makes all his phone calls from work and never receives any at home.

I saw his credit report. He has taken out loans I know nothing about.

I love my husband with all my heart, but am I right to think a marriage isn’t supposed to be this way? I feel he has two lives.




Am I the only one that is still hooked on the fact that his mail gets delivered to mommy’s house?  Didn’t we stop doing that, oh…I don’t know, WHEN WE MOVED OUT???  “Oh no honey, I’ve put in a change of address several times but for some reason the Post Office keeps screwing it up!”  Give me a break, moron.


Also, you mean to tell me that you dated this guy for five years and either 1) he wasn’t all hush-hush or 2) he was and you married him anyways?  How dumb do you think I am?  Apparently you must think this Abby character is a moron just like you.


Let’s get one thing straight sweetie, if the hubby is making secret calls, taking out secret loans that are ruining your credit, and keeping his belongings on the other side of the world, you would be lucky to find out that he’s just cheating on you.  Sounds to me like your little honey bunny has some sort of drug addiction or is paying off his loan sharks and not telling you about it.  You better watch yourself; he may be using your money to hire a hit man to kill you!


Here’s my advice to you:


1)  In the middle of the night (make sure it’s a work night) pack up everything you own, don’t forget photos, checkbooks, and the spare key to your car.  You also might want to grab the cat/dog/goldfish, throw it all in your car.


2) Go into all the bathrooms, remove the shower curtain, hand towels, wash rags, and rugs and throw them in your car.  Also take all Kleenex, napkins, and paper towels.


3) Mix powdered laxative in with his coffee, make sure to mix it well so he will never notice anything


4) Take all of his clothes and put them in a garbage bag, pour bleach in the bag and place bag in the garage.


5) As soon as the bank opens, draw all of the money out of the account and open a new account at a new bank in your name only (assuming he hasn’t ruined your credit with all his secret loans)


6)  Call him as you leave the bank.  Be extra sweet and say “I was just checking to see if you were up for work, hope you have a great day!”


Calling him ensures that he wakes and now that he has woken up, he might as well get his day started.  He will start by going to the restroom to do his morning “business” and will notice that the shower curtain and towels are missing but think nothing of it.  After scratching himself he will reach for the toilet paper only to find that there is nothing on the roll.  He will lean over, while still perched on the toilet, and open the cabinet door to find a spare roll, that won’t be there.  He will pinch his slimy cheeks and go hunting for something that will work and will find nothing.  At this point he will probably realize that he doesn’t have any clothes on, after finally finding a plastic Wal-Mart bag to wipe his hiney with he will run back to the bedroom to retrieve a shirt and pants. Upon opening the closet he will find that the only clothing left in the house is that little black dress you wore on your first date paired with those super cute stilettos.  He will sigh and throw himself on the bed, near tears.


Now the only thing that can cheer him up is a nice warm cup of coffee…




Why do people ask complete strangers to help them with their problems?  I’d like to have a go at this Abby character:




DEAR ABBY: How in heaven’s name do you deal with these people on a day to day basis and not cuss them the hell out?


I bet there isn’t even an Abby.  I bet she’s some imaginary character that some asylum inmate has made up to keep himself from having to deal with the daily stress of cheeking pills.  That’s the only logical solution; no sane person could listen to these idiots drivel on day after day and continue to come up with sensible answers.


Abby, please tell your schizophrenic host that the best thing he can do for himself at this point is ask for the “good stuff” and go to sleep.  That or bust out of that joint and hit the first liquor store he comes into contact with. 




6 thoughts on “Amelia’s Take on “Dear Abby”

  1. That woman is truly delusional. Her man is keeping some major secrets. And I love your revenge strategy. I guess it’s true what they say about hell having no fury like a woman scorned. 🙂

    1. Seriously! Yet sadly I know that there really are people out there that are either just that naive or just don’t want to admit the truth to themselves or something! I really do feel sorry for her, but only a little!

  2. The next time I need a revenge strategy, I’m emailing you. I was crying at the image of this guy searching through the house with his slimy cheeks clenched.

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