I read an article this morning that, at first glance, made me shake my head and roll my eyes; I thought it was another one of those “How stupid can people get?'” type pieces. And I think I’m justified in this, here is the title, let’s see what your first reaction is.
Yes, it says dogs, it’s not a misprint, they aren’t using “dog” as some slang word, they are talking about four legged, slobbering, barking, private part licking, dogs.
My mom’s Boston Terriers, Cheech and Chong, will be turning 5 on May 5 and I fully intend on baking them a birthday cake. When Winston turned a year old in September he had a mini cupcake with a candle stuck in it. I’m telling you all this because I want you to understand that I love my pets and I am the type of person that will go a little bit further and do crazy things for them but I’m also the type of person that says having a wedding for dogs is going way too far.
After reading a little further my initial shock and disgust began to lighten a little as it was revealed that the entire ceremony was actually an effort to raise money for a local animal shelter.
Okay, okay, I’m back on board now, kinda. I still think it’s a little outrageous that they spent $5000 up front for two pooches to walk down the aisle but at least they had good intentions.
The story got me to thinking: What would it be like if I were to hold some sort of formal ceremony for my dogs? Every one of you that knows me in the “real” world and has met my dogs is laughing your little patootie off right now because you all thought the exact same thing simultaneously:
“Oh please spend tons of money for a beautiful ceremony so it can end in flames because Winston destroyed everything in sight.”
While it will never happen, I can’t help but think what a funny story a Winston wedding would make.
I would have to find him a bride first because even though I have two female dogs, they are his “sisters” and that would just be weird. I would assume that finding an eligible bachelorette would be quite difficult; I love my demon dog but he lacks in the field of handsomeness, I don’t know too many girls that dream of marrying a man who’s face scares the crap out of them when they wake up in the morning (I’ve been there, trust me, it’s not pretty!) As if his looks alone wouldn’t be a challenge enough, there’s the problem of his….ummmm….manners, or lack thereof.
Upon finally finding a bride I would then be tasked with finding a grooms outfit that Winston could not effectively destroy. Experience with this dog has lead me to believe that the only feasible tuxedo would need to be made of a combination of tungsten carbide, titanium alloy, steel and of course diamonds for aesthetic value. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound cheap.
Now for the guest list: I try to take Winston to the dog park on a pretty regular basis however I don’t really think the kid that he peed on that time would really want to come for fear of a repeat. And perhaps the lady that got her coffee spilled on her lap the time that he jumped up on the picnic table might want to find a plastic dress. Back before Winston, when it was just me and Piper and we could go on the “small dog” side we actually made some really good friends, sadly, I haven’t been able to make the same friends now that we have progressed to the “big dog” side, I can’t imagine why not.
So now that we have all the minor details worked out, where in the world are we going to have this ceremony at? I could always save money by doing it at my home but I don’t exactly have a big backyard. Parents’ house maybe? I’m sure no one would mind walking around in a horse pasture while wearing heels (I’ve done it more than once myself) just watch out for those little patches of “mud!” Yes, I’m sure my parents’ house would be the excellent place for the ceremony, after the wedding, instead of riding off in a limo we can just hitch the wheel barrow to one of the horses and drag them off country style!
Does anyone know how to find a puppy priest? How exactly do dogs say their vows? Rather than “I Do” do they bark or howl? See, now we are getting down to the important stuff. What if the bride decides (and she will) to leave Winston at the alter?
I’m pretty sure the only easy part of planning this wedding will be the reception which will most likely be quickly followed by Winston’s funeral. Dog’s are geniuses when it comes to play time. Just take the leashes off and let them have at it. So the only thing to worry about after the actual ceremony is where to go on the honey moon! Thankfully, I’ve got an excellent answer for this one. Winston and his bride can go anywhere their little hearts desire, as long as they go together, and it’s NOT my house!
After weddings most people start thinking about family planning, thankfully I don’t have to worry about this one because Winston already went to the doctor and had a certain surgery so I guess once the wedding is over the only thing left to do is wish the happy couple a long, happy, healthy life full of daily park visits, toys to chew on, and all the kibble they could hope for!
I’m curious; would you ever throw a wedding or similar ceremony for your pooch?