Happy Birth-a-death-a-versary?

I’m super busy today at work so I had to come up with something pretty short and rather un-creative.  I still think it’s pretty interesting though.  Enjoy!

 

Apparently April 30 has historically been a pretty exciting day!

 

For starters, my best friend that I’ve known since I was 5 years old turns 30 today.  I want to wish her a very happy birthday, even though today is a stark reminder that 4 months from now I will be facing the same fate.  Thankfully, I’ve never been one to get caught up on age so hopefully I will be okay, we shall see in August how well I’m holding up!

 

It also seems that today was the fateful day that, in 1945, Adolf Hitler along with wife Eva Braun locked themselves away in a bunker and took their own lives.

 

Wow, that’s a little too solemn of a way to start a Monday now isn’t it?  Well no worries because seven years later on April 30, 1952 something extraordinary and super cool happened!  The world was introduced to what could possibly be the coolest tuber ever, Mr. Potato Head.

 

photo credit: mrpotatohead.net

The cool spud had actually been around for a few years and even got his start back when our friend Hitler was still alive but Mr. Head’s claim to fame on this day is that he was the first toy ever to be introduced in a TV commercial.  One year later he had a friend who has lovingly become known as Mrs. Potato Head.

 

I love stories about old toys; it brings me back to my younger years.  Being an only child, toys and imagination were two very important things to possess.  I remember playing in the back yard or my bedroom for hours.  Honestly, looking back on my childhood, I have to think that my parents were pretty darn lucky.  I pretty much kept myself holed up in my room or in the back yard for hours on end and rarely was I the “I’m bored’ child.

 

Here are the toys I remember having growing up:

 

  • Barbies
  • My Little Pony
  • Rainbow Brite
  • Strawberry Shortcake
  • Breyer Horses
  • Glo Worm
  • Care Bears
  • Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head
  • Cabbage Patch Dolls
  • My Buddy/ Kid Sister
  • Teddy Ruxpin and Grubby
  • Popples
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
  • Heman
  • Skeletor
  • GI Joe
  • Transformers
  • Hot Wheels
  • Micro Machines
  • Legos

 

I'm pretty sure I had every one of these!
Photo Credit: cakeplow.com

What are some of your favorite childhood toys?  I know I’m forgetting some and hopefully some of you can jog my memory.

 

If you have kids, did you pass some of your toys down to them?

The Return of Robert

As some of you may remember, I had a brief …misunderstanding….via text message with someone who had the wrong number.  You can read that story here.

This was quite some time ago and I had honestly forgotten about it until this morning when I woke up to see that I had missed a text message at 230.  After last time’s adventure I saved the number in my phone as “Robert’s lover” and when I read the message, low and behold, who do you think it was from?

Roberts Lover:  It really bother’s me that you haven’t made any attempt to contact me

Me: Oh goody, you again!

(I sent this when I got up this morning at 4, normally I wouldn’t text that early but this person obviously didn’t care about texting Robert at 230 in the morning)

(Finally at 9am)

Are you still trying to be a jerk?

Absolutely not, but once again, THIS IS NOT ROBERT

Oh, you’re still pulling that card huh?

Okay, humor me, if I was Robert, how exactly are we related?

Come on bro, you’re killing me here.

Bro?  So I, errr, I mean Robert is your brother?

You’re killing me.  Why haven’t you tried to reach me?

Hmmm, if I remember correctly you told me to never text you again, which means I should probably stop responding to you.  I hate to be rude and blatantly disrespect you like that.

*sigh* you’re really not going to let up are you?  You could at least try to call me sometime.

Why haven’t you called me?  You should try that, then you would find out that I’m not Robert.

It’s not my place, I’m not the one who is being a jerk about things.  It’s your place to call me.

Well, I’m not doing that, if you can’t believe that I’m not Robert then it’s your own fault for being that ignorant.

(Seriously, has this person absolutely no common sense?)

Okay, well here’s the deal.  I’m having a party this weekend and I would really like for you to come.

OOOh parties?  I love parties!  Where at?  I’ll be there!

My house.

Address please?

Seriously?

No.  Oh wait, yes.

I don’t know what I did to you for you to be such a jerk to me but you know what, forget it, don’t you dare show up at my house this weekend.

Oh darn, I was really looking forward to that, I already pulled out my old school Nintendo and Twister board game.  Oh well.

Ugh, don’t talk to me again.

Oh, here we go again!  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury please let the record reflect that the other party contacted me first. I was just sleeping in my bed, minding my own little business this morning when I got a random text from some moron who can’t understand that they have the wrong number.

Wow, you’re really something, you know that?

Thanks!

Don’t talk to me

xxxxxxxxxxx

What?

xxxxxxxxxxx

What are you saying?

That’s me with my lips zipped.

Oh grow up Robert!

Meh, maybe tomorrow.  So what time is the party?

Bye!

Okay, so I’m really trying.  I actually tried to call the number both from “Robert’s” phone as well as my phone at work and no answer.  I started to leave a message but I figured it wouldn’t do any good, they would just think that Robert got some girl to leave it.

At least it gives me good blogging material!

My Boy’s Getting Married!

I read an article this morning that, at first glance, made me shake my head and roll my eyes; I thought it was another one of those “How stupid can people get?'” type pieces.  And I think I’m justified in this, here is the title, let’s see what your first reaction is.

 

Dogs $5000 Wedding Sparks Criticism

 

I don't care who you are, this IS pretty darn cute.
Photo credit: Doglovergiftbaskets.com

Yes, it says dogs, it’s not a misprint, they aren’t using “dog” as some slang word, they are talking about four legged, slobbering, barking, private part licking, dogs.

 

My mom’s Boston Terriers, Cheech and Chong, will be turning 5 on May 5 and I fully intend on baking them a birthday cake.  When Winston turned a year old in September he had a mini cupcake with a candle stuck in it.  I’m telling you all this because I want you to understand that I love my pets and I am the type of person that will go a little bit further and do crazy things for them but I’m also the type of person that says having a wedding for dogs is going way too far.

After reading a little further my initial shock and disgust began to lighten a little as it was revealed that the entire ceremony was actually an effort to raise money for a local animal shelter.

 

Okay, okay, I’m back on board now, kinda. I still think it’s a little outrageous that they spent $5000 up front for two pooches to walk down the aisle but at least they had good intentions.

 

The story got me to thinking:  What would it be like if I were to hold some sort of formal ceremony for my dogs?  Every one of you that knows me in the “real” world and has met my dogs is laughing your little patootie off right now because you all thought the exact same thing simultaneously:

 

“Oh please spend tons of money for a beautiful ceremony so it can end in flames because Winston destroyed everything in sight.”

 

While it will never happen, I can’t help but think what a funny story a Winston wedding would make.

 

I would have to find him a bride first because even though I have two female dogs, they are his “sisters” and that would just be weird.  I would assume that finding an eligible bachelorette would be quite difficult; I love my demon dog but he lacks in the field of handsomeness, I don’t know too many girls that dream of marrying a man who’s face scares the crap out of them when they wake up in the morning (I’ve been there, trust me, it’s not pretty!)  As if his looks alone wouldn’t be a challenge enough, there’s the problem of his….ummmm….manners, or lack thereof.

 

Would YOU want to wake up to this face every morning?
Photo Credit: ME....those are my dogs...duh!!!

Upon finally finding a bride I would then be tasked with finding a grooms outfit that Winston could not effectively destroy.  Experience with this dog has lead me to believe that the only feasible tuxedo would need to be made of a combination of tungsten carbide, titanium alloy, steel and of course diamonds for aesthetic value.  Hmmm, that doesn’t sound cheap.

 

Now for the guest list:  I try to take Winston to the dog park on a pretty regular basis however I don’t really think the kid that he peed on that time would really want to come for fear of a repeat.  And perhaps the lady that got her coffee spilled on her lap the time that he jumped up on the picnic table might want to find a plastic dress.  Back before Winston, when it was just me and Piper and we could go on the “small dog” side we actually made some really good friends, sadly, I haven’t been able to make the same friends now that we have progressed to the “big dog” side, I can’t imagine why not.

 

So now that we have all the minor details worked out, where in the world are we going to have this ceremony at?  I could always save money by doing it at my home but I don’t exactly have a big backyard.  Parents’ house maybe?  I’m sure no one would mind walking around in a horse pasture while wearing heels (I’ve done it more than once myself) just watch out for those little patches of “mud!”  Yes, I’m sure my parents’ house would be the excellent place for the ceremony, after the wedding, instead of riding off in a limo we can just hitch the wheel barrow to one of the horses and drag them off country style!

 

Does anyone know how to find a puppy priest?  How exactly do dogs say their vows?  Rather than “I Do” do they bark or howl?  See, now we are getting down to the important stuff.  What if the bride decides (and she will) to leave Winston at the alter?

 

We found the priest! Thank goodness for that!
Photo Credit: thisnext.com

I’m pretty sure the only easy part of planning this wedding will be the reception which will most likely be quickly followed by Winston’s funeral.  Dog’s are geniuses when it comes to play time.  Just take the leashes off and let them have at it.  So the only thing to worry about after the actual ceremony is where to go on the honey moon!  Thankfully, I’ve got an excellent answer for this one.  Winston and his bride can go anywhere their little hearts desire, as long as they go together, and it’s NOT my house!

 

After weddings most people start thinking about family planning, thankfully I don’t have to worry about this one because Winston already went to the doctor and had a certain surgery so I guess once the wedding is over the only thing left to do is wish the happy couple a long, happy, healthy life full of daily park visits, toys to chew on, and all the kibble they could hope for!

 

I’m curious; would you ever throw a wedding or similar ceremony for your pooch?

The Brilliant Inventor

My obsession with getting to work earlier and earlier every day is really starting to get out of hand however; I will say that I have managed to beat Crazy IT lady every day since war was declared.  I was very distraught this morning when I left 15 minutes earlier than I did yesterday (which is about 30 minutes earlier than normal) only to pull out of my neighborhood to see that there was a train stopped on the train tracks.

 

The world’s busiest train tracks* are located less than half a mile from my house.  At first I thought it was going to be an issue with the noise but after living there for nearly three years I’ve learned that you really do tune certain noises out.  Crossing these tracks is really the only logical way for me to get anywhere, it’s not the only way but it’s the only way that makes any real sense.  Probably wouldn’t be a huge problem for the normal person but I have two things working against me.

My life story.
Photo Credit: Triblocal.com

 

First, as I said already, these are the busiest train tracks in the world** and you literally have about a 3 minute window between each crossing, even at 5 in the morning apparently.  Second, if there is a train around, I will find it and it will be the longest, slowest moving train you can possibly imagine, it never fails.

 

So this morning when I saw that the train was literally stopped, I have to admit I got a little annoyed but I was far from shocked.  I was forced to go an alternate route which, remember as I said, made absolutely no logical sense whatsoever, it took me a good 15 to 20 miles out of the way and added 20 minutes to my commute.  The only good thing about this route is the lack of traffic.  I actually go this way home every Friday because Friday afternoon at 4pm is when the Buick Regal club has their weekly meeting.

 

For the record, I managed to get to work 5 minutes earlier than yesterday which gave me some time to catch a nap before I had to go in and start the day

 

I really need help.

 

The train dilemma did, however, allow for 20 more minutes of thinking time this morning.  I started thinking about how I wish someone would hurry up and invent the flying car so I didn’t have to worry with road ways, though I’m pretty sure with the way most people around here drive, I don’t REALLY want them hogging up all the air space, that would just be disastrous.  Then I thought about how nice it would be if we could just teleport from place to place and cars could be used for recreational purposes only.  Again, I’m sure some moron would figure out a way to muck that up.  Anyone that was ever unfortunate enough to get trapped inside my brain in the morning as I’m driving to work would likely be tossed and jerked around like a pin ball, there’s just that much rambling going on in there at that time of the day but sometimes I come up with some pretty decent ideas.

 

 

What if there was a way to run everything wirelessly?

 

My sentiments exactly
Photo Credit: 4.hp.com

Yeah we’ve got wireless internet and phones and stuff like that but what about your household appliances?  What if there was some way that you could plug something into the wall socket and rather than use a cord to power something, it would put out some sort of signal(because we all already have brain cancer from cell phones) that electrically fed all of the appliances around it?  You could move whatever you wanted, wherever you wanted without worrying about having enough wall sockets or having to get an extension cord.

 

I, for one, would be more than happy to be the first to try out the wireless vacuum, what a pain it is to maneuver around that dumb cord!

 

 

What if all cars had auto pilot?

 

Photo Credit: michellehenry.com

One thing that I hate more than anything else is people who tailgate on the highway.  I will admit, I’ve done it before without realizing it but as soon as I wake up and see what’s going on, I back off.  What I hate even more than purposeful tailgating is the people that MAKE you tailgate.  You all know what I’m talking about; they cut you off or pull out in front of you in the fast lane and immediately slow down causing you to slam on your brakes.  It really annoys me that people have the mindset that just because they have their blinker on to get over, I have to slam on my brakes just to let them in when there is no one behind me.

 

Okay, I got on my soapbox there for a second, but seriously if there was some way to set auto pilot on cars, it would probably be a safer place because all of the cars would be going the same speed and no one would cut you off because you weren’t going fast enough.  Stayed out a little too late last night?  Not problem, just let your car drive you to work while you take a nap!  I see nothing wrong with this theory.

 

There has to be a way to do this, we already have cars that can detect how far objects are from them and brake accordingly and with GPS technology, all you would have to do is type the address in and away you go!  Sure, this might need a few tweaks to really be safe but I honestly see this as a possible future for the automotive world.

 

 

What if clothes were disposable?

 

We've already got edible underwear, why not disposable clothes?
Photo Credit: knitty.com

I get tired of my clothes in a heartbeat not to mention the fact that I hate to wash them.  What if they made clothes a whole lot cheaper so that when you were done wearing them, you could just throw them away and go buy a new wardrobe every week!

 

 

Okay, Okay, I know some of my ideas are a little far fetched but you gotta start somewhere right?

 

What are some of your brilliant invention ideas?  They can be silly or funny but I’m really interested in the realistic ideas, I’m curious to see what great ideas others have!

 

 

*     Not verified but I’m pretty darn sure it’s true

**  Again, not verified but take my word for it, true

Nothing Like a Brisk Country Drive

So I was out driving around last night with the dogs, it’s good for them to get out of the house occasionally I suppose, and we came across something rather interesting.

As I pulled up a red-light, there was already a truck there with a flat bed trailer hooked on to the back.  As I pulled in behind the truck, a girl jumped out and ran to the tailgate.

I think that last sentence would sound a whole lot better had I been able to say “a blonde” or “a red head” however, I can not honestly tell you what color her hair was because when she jumped out of the front seat of the vehicle my eyes were immediately drawn somewhere else.

 

It seems that this young lady was completely topless.

Now, I’ve been around for awhile and I’ve seen some pretty crazy stuff in my life but unbelievably, I’ve never seen this, not in this type of situation at least.  What made it even worse was the fact that not only was she topless, the only stitch of clothing she had on was the bottom half of a bikini (or really colorful panties maybe?).  That was it, no top, no pants, no socks, no shoes.

I couldn’t help but watch her as she ran to the back of the truck and messed with something on the trailer hitch.  I found myself mesmerized.  The first thought that went through my head was “Thank goodness she at least has a nice body!” and she really did, I may be a straight woman but I’m not afraid to admit that I can recognize a hot female body when I see it!

If only I had seen her face….

I woke up this morning still thinking about the incident and wondering what would have possessed her to be driving around completely topless like that.  It was, as I said, the first time I’ve ever been exposed to something like this.  Not that I’ve never seen another female naked, but to see one display herself in public with absolutely no shame was a rather remarkable thing for me.  It made me wonder if I would ever in a million years be persuaded to do the same.

The answer was pretty easy to come up with: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

So I just want to poll everyone out there and ask: Has anyone else ever had an experience like this?

Better yet, has anyone else ever done this?

Snark Attack

I’m embarassed to be admitting this but I just learned this morning that prunes are actually dried plums.  I don’t know where I got it in my head all these years but I actually spent my entire life thinking there actually was some sort of fruit out there called a prune and they just dried them and sold them to us in brightly colored bags.  I guess you really do learn something new every day.

I’m also embarassed today that I call myself a writer and I never knew there was a punctuation mark called a “snark”.  This is probably the coolest punctuation mark ever invented and with my sense of humor, it’s something that I could probably have used these past 29 years!

I’ve often used the word “snarky” (to this day I don’t really know if that’s really a word or not) to describe a certain response or opinion about things but I never knew that there was one little symbol that said the same thing.  How did I not know this?  I could have been saving myself five keystrokes!  Anyways, assuming (hoping) that the rest of you have never heard of a snark or know what pupose it serves, I thought I would tell you a little about it.

Photo Credit: buzzfeed.com

A snark is also known as a Percontation Point or Irony Mark.  It looks like a backwards question mark which I assume is to represent it’s irony.  I’ve never really thought that I could fall in love with a punctuation mark but I’m telling you today folks that this little guy has won my heart over.  His soul purpose is to assist me in making stupid people look even stupider.

OH HAPPY DAY!!!!

Apparently the use of the snark pretty much died out in the 17th century so my research on it this morning has come up short in a few places.  The number one thing that I want to know is exactly where it is supposed to be used?  Is it to be used at the end of a sentence like a regular ole period or question mark?  Should I insert it after the ironic phrase? And more importantly, where is this little critter at on my keyboard???

I finally just made the decision for myself that it should be used as a type of quotation, or like you see in the spanish language, where they put the upside down question mark at the beginning of the sentence and the normal one at the end.

Here are some examples:؟

؟I just love your new haircut, very flattering؟

؟No officer, I swear I didn’t know I had 20 outstanding parking tickets؟

؟I’m sure Melanie will never notice that I took her make up bag, she never uses it anyways.؟

I’m so in love with this snarky little snark!  I think I’m going to try and re-introduce him to the world.  Who’s with me?

At the very least, can we have him added to the keyboard???

***Sidenote, you can create a snark in Word by typing 061f then alt x.  Try it!