Friends and loved ones, we gather here today to mourn the loss of a very dearly loved friend.
I am, of course, speaking of the beloved “Cheap Gas”.
I was shocked by the news I received this morning when I was advised that Cheap Gas had finally given up the fight. His parting will not go unnoticed for he was truly a cherished member of every household in America and around the world.
Cheap Gas was born many, many years ago, in fact, so long ago that no one actually knows the exact date of his birth. He quickly became a household staple and people became so fond of him that they generally learned to take his existence for granted. As the years rolled on, Cheap found it harder and harder to keep up with the dying economy and his health slowly began to deteriorate. He is survived by wife, Shell Gas-Station, and two ravenous and greedy children: Crude Oil and Federal Government.
Cheap Gas was a firm believer in Good Values, another great friend we lost years ago. Together, Gas and Values formed a coalition known as the “American Dream”. The America Dream was a simple idea, it allowed for all citizens to live happy, carefree, and enriching lives without worrying about expenses. Gas and Values powered America for many years however, when their health began to deteriorate, so did the strength of the American Dream.
It is with a heavy heart that I lay to rest our dear friend Cheap Gas, may he rest in peace. It is my hope that someday his descendants will learn to understand the significance of his impact on this planet and will come to terms with their greed and that we may once more see the rise of the American Dream.