Sure-fire Ways to Generate Traffic to Your Blog….Or Maybe Not!

When I first started this blogging project, I was confused/worried about if anyone would read these posts or not.  I don’t really know why I cared all that much, to this day it still amazes me that people that I previously had no relationship with have a desire to read about me and my quirky sense of humor.  But at first, I cared and it was those first few days that led me to googling things like “how to bring traffic to your blog” and “how to get readers”.  As a freelance copywriter, I learned a lot about SEO marketing and the use of keywords but I really didn’t see how tagging would help all that much.  Fortunately, I did something right and I currently have an excellent following of readers and I’m thankful for each and every one of you guys!

The point that I’m trying to get at is there are tons of websites and blogs out there telling you how to gain more readers but there aren’t too many people out there really digging into the dirt and letting you in on what kind of mistakes you can make.

And that’s just what I intend to do!

To help me with this project, I invited my alter-ego, Amelia, (I also have one named Fiona, you will meet her one day) to write this post.  Amelia, like me, enjoys writing.  That’s about the only thing that she and I agree on.  But when I came up with this idea, I could think of no one better than Amelia to tell you a little about her blogging style and give you some tips and hints.

So without further ado (what the heck does that mean anyways huh?), ladies and gentleman, please join me in welcoming- Amelia.

Queen Amelia is in the building!

Hi people.  So this girl asked me to write this blog for her, I guess she feels that her advice has already grown stale and inferior to my highly contagious knowledge.  If you ask me, I’m honestly shocked that it took this long for you people to get tired of her, she does nothing but ramble.

I’m actually quite glad I got this opportunity to speak to you all today. I feel that there are far too many people in this world who call themselves “bloggers” and really have no clue about how to project properly in order to procure traffic to their blogs.  That’s why I happily agreed to write this tutorial, I get burnt out far too quickly by reading what some of you consider “prime examples of excellent blogging.”



Step One:  Slander and defame your readers at every given opportunity

One particular reader of my blog left the following comment:

Amelia, I find that your blogs are often half hearted, un-original, and downright rude.  I think you should learn to use a little respect where respect is due. – Allen

My response:

Dear Alien, The last comment you left was pathetic and whiny (to say the least).  How is it that you have survived on this planet as long as you have?  Surely the “stupid police” will find you and dispose of you properly.

For those of you who agree with Allen the alien, I hope you too suffer the same fate as your dear friend.

See what I’ve done here?  I’ve pointed out to Allen as well as any like-minded individuals that disagreeing with me will simply NOT be tolerated.  The lesson:  Mess with the Queen and you will find yourself in the dungeon.



Step Two: Do not give your readers the option to disagree


Feel free to use whatever methods needed to keep your readers at your beckon call

The quickest way to avoid the problem in the scenario above is to turn blog comments off all together.  If your readers can not tell you that they think you are wrong or disrespect you in any form or fashion, then you do not have to put up with it.  Some people might say that this is a cowardly way of dealing with your issues but those people are wrong, and I know this because I am always right.  I merely do not have time to deal with insurgent, whiny, know-nothing peons that have nothing better to do but argue incorrect facts.

Your truly loyal readers will not mind that they can not comment.  If they are overwhelmed by the need to tell you just how wonderful you are, they will write an entire blog post centered directly on you and your magnificence.  You should monitor this as well; all followers should dedicate at least ten blogs a month solely to you.



Step Three:  You win some; you kick the rest to Kathmandu

Readers come and readers go, that’s a given and you should always take readers for granted.  One of them had the audacity once to email me this lengthy message (with bullet points, mind you) about why they had un-subscribed from my blog.  In most cases I wouldn’t even give them the satisfaction of responding but this time I just couldn’t resist and sent them this lovely picture.



Step Four:  Advertise, advertise, advertise

Banner ads are the greatest things ever invented and the only thing better than them are the pop up ads that refuse to go away unless you click on them.

Ads are helpful for a number of reasons.  First and foremost, they generate revenue for you, who doesn’t like free money?  Secondly, readers LOVE the things.  They will sit in front of a computer for hours simply clicking on ad after ad after ad.  Always encourage your readers to do this, and while you’re at it, go ahead and put a link to your PayPal account so that your readers can send you money, they LOVE helping out the Queen!



Step Five:  It’s all about quantity

Post at least 20 blogs a day, never going over 50 words per article.  If you need help getting started, see the outline below:

  • Post 1: 0900-20 words about how perfect your hair is today
  • Post 2: 0930-15 word rant about some idiot Twitter Follower
  • Post 3: 0945 30 word follow up to Twitter followers retort
  • Post 4: 1015 20 word post about how busy the Queen is
  • Post 5: 1130-40 word post about why you hate cats
  • Post 6: 1300-25 word rant about how rude the waitress was at lunch
  • Post 7: 1315-whine about how lunch made you feel bloated
  • Post 8: 1345-30 word post requiring readers to post their daily blog about you
  • Post 9: 1400 25 words about how you broke a nail
  • Post 10: 1445 15 words about how ridiculous it is that you have to work
  • Post 11: 1530 40 words about the dress you bought on your “break”
  • Post 12: 1600 write about your favorite nail polish color
  • Post 13: 1615 30 word rant about the boss interrupting you while painting your nails
  • Post 14: 1720 15 word rant about how long it is taking to get home in traffic
  • Post 15: 1800 30 words about how you think it’s ridiculous that your spouse expects you to cook dinner
  • Post 16: 1815 25 words about how you sat in front of the TV watching your “shows” until your spouse gave up and started dinner
  • Post 17: 1900 45 word rant about how horrible your spouse’s cooking is
  • Post 18: 1930 30 words about how you wish your kids would quit calling you to pick them up from soccer practice; you’re trying to watch your “shows”
  • Post 19: 2130 45 words about how horrible it is that the hot water went out 2 hours into your shower
  • Post 20: 2215 (this should be verbatim) “Good Night minions.  I am slightly disappointed in the amount of blogs that were written in my honor today.  I expect you to all do better tomorrow”



Step Six:  Negativity reigns supreme

If all else fails, be as negative as possible.  Readers love to hear you whine and cry about how horrible your life is.  For one, it makes them feel better about their own lives but, more importantly, it gives them a reason to shower you with love and sympathetic words.



I hope you all take this blog to heart.  I know that if you follow my advice, step by step, you will be on the fast track to hundreds, even thousands of new followers every month.

Good luck and until then….All Hail the Queen!


2 thoughts on “Sure-fire Ways to Generate Traffic to Your Blog….Or Maybe Not!

  1. I found this post to be very insightful. Turning your readers into slave-ish peons that find themselves returning to your blog just to hear your abusive remarks is entirely brilliant! Great work!

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