For the past two weeks a creditor has been calling my work phone looking for someone who doesn’t work here. I’m not going to go into details but I actually do know the person they are looking for but still have no clue how they got this number.
The first few times they called, I tried to be as polite as possible. I know I dislike my job most days but if I had to work collections, I would be beyond miserable. Every time they would call I would tell them the truth, “There is no one here by that name.” Absolutely not a lie and I didn’t feel that they needed to know that I knew the party in question.
Every day they call, every day I tell them the same thing, every day they tell me they will remove this number from their call list. Just recently the people I’ve spoke to have asked to be passed to Human Resources to verify employment. I’m guessing they are thinking I’m lying which, again, I’m honestly not.
Human Resources has talked to them twice now and told them that there is no one here by that name, nor has there ever been, that obviously isn’t enough because I just got, yet another, call from them.
So after much thought, I’ve decided that if we are going to have a daily conversation, I might as well try to have as much fun as possible with it.
Tomorrow when they call, I think this is how the conversation will go:
Me: Barbara Jean’s House of Inflatable Dolls, what’s your pleasure?
Collection Agent: Uhhh, hi, can I speak to Ms. Malone* please?
Me: Oh, Ms. Malone isn’t actually a person but she is one of our best sellers. You are into the “next door neighbor” type huh? Excellent choice! Let me put you on hold for a second and make sure we have her in stock.
Collection Agent: Wait I….
(Cut off by hold music)
Me: Ok sir, you are in luck; we just got a new shipment of Ms. Malone dolls in this morning. Would you like to purchase a wig for her? We have a sale on our long blonde wigs, they are simply gorgeous, and we will even style them for free!
Collection Agent: Is this a joke? I need to speak with Bethany Malone.
Me: Oh, that’s precious; you’ve given her a first name! I just know this doll is going to have a great home. In fact, I’m inspired by your optimism, what is your address? I want to deliver her to you personally.
Collection Agent: Look, is this Ms. Malone? This is not a joke, I represent the Hideous Collection Agency and I show you owe an outstanding balance of $3.2 billion; I need to know when you will be able to pay that in full.
Me: Oh sweetie, you’ve got a hole in your bag of marbles don’t you? Well that’s okay; I’ll just go ahead and box up some special goodies to go along with your purchase. I just need to find out a few things about you first okay? First things first, do you have any other dolls or do you plan on being strictly exclusive with Ms. Malone.
Collection Agent: Why do you keep talking about dolls? I don’t have any dolls; the only dolls in my house belong to my 8 year old!
Me: Whoa…please don’t include me in things that may be considered illegal. I’m just going to pretend like I didn’t hear that last statement, otherwise I would have to call the police and CPS to have them run an investigation on you.
Collection Agent: (Obviously agitated) Okay, I’m done with the jokes, if you want to talk about calling the police, fine! I’m calling the police and having you arrested for not paying your debt! What do you think about that?
Me: Okay, okay, calm down now, there’s no need to get so excited. I can tell that you are new to this. It’s okay, there is no need to be embarrassed, we all have certain fetishes and fantasies, and no one here is judging you. In fact, if you are that worried about it, why don’t you come to my house and meet my collection? I have an amazing assortment of…
Collection Agent: Ms. Malone, I’m hanging up now, I want you to remember that this call is being recorded and we WILL use this against you in the court of law.
Me: (laughing) Well if it’s court you want to talk about, we do have a variety of sexy lawyer dolls that just might…
(Collection Agent hangs up)
Something tells me that even something like this won’t cause them to refrain from calling daily. I know there are ways to make them stop, I just don’t feel like making that effort, at least not before I have a little bit of fun with them!
*Name changed to protect the privacy of parties involved. But you already knew that because what the heck else would an asterisk next to someone’s name mean?