Don’t Butter That Toast!

I took the case off my phone last night because the stupid thing froze on me and I had to take the battery out to reset it.  The particular phone case that I have on my phone is a royal pain to get off in the event that you need to do something like this so, after being insanely annoyed with the phone, I decided not to put it back on.

Why is it that the entire time I’ve had this phone with the case on it, I have not dropped it ONCE, yet just 20 minutes after taking the case off last night I dropped it?  And it’s never on the carpet, no, it’s always the very moment that you walk into your tiled kitchen or bathroom that your phone remembers that it was a skydiver in it’s past life and decides to re-live those moments.  This morning, I honestly forgot about the case and didn’t put it back on.  Since I arrived at work 5 hours ago, I have dropped my phone 4 times.

It’s a conspiracy.  That’s the only reasonable explanation.  Inanimate objects are out to get us.

How many times have you made toast, smothered it in butter and jelly, only to drop it.  We all learned at an early age that there is what is known as the “5 second rule”, this rule states that it is completely acceptable to eat something straight off the floor as long as it sat there no longer than 5 seconds.  I personally see nothing wrong with this rule and find it 100% logical.  The problem with buttered toast however, is that it always falls “buttered side down”.  When something with a “moist” texture hits the ground, the “5 second rule” becomes null en void.

Call it irony, coincidence, whatever you want but the thing is, toast will always fall buttered side down, phones will always become suicidal when they are most vulnerable, and tires will always go flat in the middle of a rainstorm(unless you’re me at which point, tires go flat daily).

I’ve had it with all of these coincidental happenings and I’ve decided it’s time that someone explained them….who better to do that that yours truly?

Demon Toast

I’ve already explained why a phone will always fall after their protective armor comes off but what about the toast?  Is there some law of “butter-ology” that we should all become familiar with?  Perhaps the effect of the butter on the bread causes one side to become heavier than the other causing it to flip over. Perhaps butter provides some sort of cushion for the bread and when falling it, much like a cat, flips itself over to ensure a safe landing.

You knuckleheads!  The answer to this one is so obvious it’s sickening. However, before I continue to explain this I thought I might let you know that there actually is a “real” explanation which you can find http://www.physics.org/facts/toast-toast.asp.

So, the reason that toast always fall butter side down is 😦 drum roll please…)

To understand the answer, you have to accept the existence of divine spirits.  Since butter is essentially fat, your guardian angel is simply watching out for you, every time that your buttered bread falls to the floor, that’s your angel telling you it’s time to get up off your lazy hiney and eat something healthier!

The Micromanaging Hermit

You are generally a hard worker and you rarely take unnecessary breaks or “slack off” while on the job.  But occasionally even the hardest worker has one of those days where he/she is just exhausted or can’t seem to find motivation.  It’s on these days that you are a little more keen to relax. Finally, after a day of working your patootie off,  you take 30 seconds to lean back, put your feet up, and stretch out.  It is at this very moment that your extremely anti-social, never leaves her office, hermit-like, boss decides to take an abnormal stroll right down your aisle and catches you, mid-stretch, relaxing in your chair.

Never fails.

How does your boss know to check up on you at this very moment?  Well this one is quite simple.  She’s spying on you!

Seriously?  You didn’t figure this out for yourself?  What exactly do you think she’s doing in that office all day long?  What could she possibly have going on that is so important?  Nothing!

Take a moment to look around your desk.  See that innocent looking memo taped to the cubicle wall?  Remove it, I guarantee you will find a camera behind it.  You think your computer is JUST a computer?  Oh you poor, poor, misguided little minion.

Don’t worry though, now that you know the truth, all you have to do is break into her office at night and sabotage all of her spy gear, just be sure to watch out for the booby traps!

An Ode to Home and Transportation

Cars have a nasty reputation for breaking down at the worse possible time.  If you are running late to something very important your car will inevitably decide that it is ready for a day off.  If it is 30 below zero during a hail storm with 75 mph winds, your heater will go on strike.  If you get caught in a blinding rainstorm, your tire will go flat.  It’s just a fact of life.

Houses can be equally as temperamental.

From the moment that you find out your elderly Aunt Agatha is coming to stay with you for a week, your house begins its deceptive plan.  Houses are sneaky too; they have a way of hiding these things from you.  Everything will be running perfectly until Aunt Agatha’s car pulls into your driveway.  The moment she walks in the door the TV will turn itself on at the highest possible volume and the ceiling fans will spin so fast that they dislodge themselves and become flying ninja weapons.  After avoiding having her head chopped off, Agatha will go into the kitchen where all of the pipes will burst simultaneously causing the sprayer on the sink to jerk loose, flailing about in the air, drenching Aunt Agatha in the process.  You will convince your dear, sweet, old, relative to take off her wet clothes and let you put her wet ones in the dryer.  Now that Aunt Agatha is alone in the restroom she is extremely vulnerable.  The bathroom medicine cabinet will fling open spewing medicine bottles and Neosporin all over the floor.  This will startle Agatha and she will step on a half empty tube of toothpaste sending her flying square on her backside.

Well, one thing’s for sure – Aunt Agatha will never stay with you again.

Why are cars and houses so irritable?  Simply put, they are evil!

All car’s and houses have a personality of their own.  Our failure to recognize that they have feelings is what causes them to go over the top.  This is the reason that each and every car that I’ve ever owned has had a name; you have to give them some level of respect.

.

There are a ton of ironic happenings that I could continue to talk about, things like “Why does it always rain when you go on vacation?” or “Why does my kid always wait until we are 5000 miles from a restroom before he needs to potty?”  But it would take forever for me to explain them.  Rest assured though, I have an answer for everything…don’t be afraid to ask!

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