Why I Will Never be a Corporate CEO

Why I Will Never be a Corporate CEO

I’ve made it no secret that I absolutely hate working in “Corporate America”.  My days are long and boring, my back hurts constantly, I frequently lose circulation in my legs from sitting in the same position for hours on end…there’s just nothing good about it at all….at least for me.

Despite the physical reasons, there are several other reasons that I hate the corporate world and everything that it stands for.  Most people would classify these reasons as “political” and I guess I can’t really come up with a better word for it so- political it is.

The thing that is really annoying is just how some people get ahead.  Have you ever noticed that the person who works the least, goofs off the most, and screws everything up is the first person in line for the next promotion?

Basically there are 4 types of employee in any given corporate office:

Billy Grunt

Billy is the person who everyone thinks they are, regardless of which rung they stand on in the corporate ladder.  Don’t get me wrong, some of us ARE Billy Grunt and Thank God for that because if there were not Billy Grunt’s in the world, the whole place would fall to pieces (Or at least more so than it has already).

Billy is your typical hard working, comes to work every day, always on time, never complains, just a downright good employee.  Billy works his butt off day after day and gets very little in return for his contributions.  He knows what he is doing and does it right and on the rare occasion that he makes a mistake, he owns up to it and fixes it.  You will never catch Billy taking too many breaks or taking a long lunch.  However, since Billy never causes any trouble and never has to be reprimanded, he usually is overlooked and almost forgotten.  His hard work and determination always go without notice until the day comes that he is literally on his death bed and has to take a day off.  That’s when the company falls apart.

If the whole world was like Billy, poverty would be an archaic term.  Hard work would be something that we all appreciated and were proud of.  We need more Billy Grunts in this world.


Annie Adequate


Annie is what most of us probably are.  I know that I, personally, fall somewhere between Billy and Annie.  I was a Billy when I first started this career journey but I finally got fed up with the way things were going and stopped caring so much.

Annie is great at her job and for the most part does it without much hesitation.  She does get annoyed at her supervisors from time to time and finds her self constantly shaking her head at the actions of Tina Turbulence and Sid Suckup.  She feels that things could be run better and fails to understand why Tina and Sid are constantly rewarded for their behaviors.  Regardless of this fact, she never complains and simply continues to do her job.

Annie’s biggest issue is that she views her job as a job and not a career.  She feels as though she is wasting away and any efforts to advance are immediately thwarted.  At times she feels as though she should just give up and try to be like Sid or Tina but she still has just enough pride to keep from dropping to that level.  Annie used to take her allotted amount of breaks and lunches, she would occasionally work through a lunch here and there and stay late when she needed too but now she comes in and works her schedule and goes home.



Sid Suckup

Sid is the guy who always gets lucky.  He is the guy who plays games on the internet all day but has a way of “looking” busy when the boss is around.  He is known as a brown noser yet, for whatever reason; management can’t seem to see through him.  Sid obviously has no clue how to get to work on time and always has a reason to leave early.  He doesn’t have a problem calling in sick and frequently schedules doctor’s appointments that will cause him to take 3 hour lunches, leave early, or come in late.  Sid has no regard for those around him even though he is friendly and considers himself to have a good relationship with his co-workers.

For the most part, Sid is a crappy employee but because of his talent to brown-nose and stay on the boss’s good side he is known as the “Star” employee on the team.  He constantly gets compliments and accolades regarding his work performance and is usually the first in line for a promotion. He has that sly “car salesman” type personality and can talk his way out of any situation.



Tina Turbulence

There is a fine line between Sid Suckup and Tina Turbulence.  For the most part, they are pretty similar.  The main difference between the two is that Tina uses blackmail instead of brown nosing.

Like Sid, Tina rarely comes in and works a full 8 hours, she is always sick, constantly has drama that she has to leave early to tend to and rarely gets any work done when she is at work.  Tina is usually a smoker and takes 20-30 smoke breaks throughout the day in addition to regular breaks and lunch hour.  On any given day, the most hours that Tina actually sits at her desk is 3.

Unlike with Sid, management is well aware that Tina is a horrible employee and would happily “let her go” except for one thing.  Tina ALWAYS has HR on her side.  She knows how to work the system and get around things and she isn’t afraid what others think of her.  If she needs to leave early because she forgot to record today’s episode of “Judge Judy”, Tina knows that all she has to do is come up with a last minute doctor’s appointment, run it across the HR desk, and be on her happy little way.

Tina is also very quick to turn on her co-workers.  The first sign of anything that she can classify as harassment or slander, she will be in the HR office faster than you can spell “Hallucination”.  This girl knows how to milk the system and doesn’t feel the least bit guilty about doing so.  She constantly is heard saying that management is “out to get” her and thinks that everyone is against her.  She fails to acknowledge that the reason for her co-workers/supervisors displeasure of her has been brought upon her by no one but herself.

Don’t try to deny it, I know that each and every one of you was able to name at least one person at your job for each of your personalities (unless there less than 4 people at your job, at which point I say, I hate you!) regardless of if you are in the corporate world or not.  These people exist everywhere.  Between all the Sids and Tinas in the world, we Billys and Annies just don’t have a chance.

Some day’s I can’t help but think that if I just took some lessons from Sid, I too could be a “Star” employee and eventually be running the company.

I know this will never happen.  Why?  Not because I’m not capable, but because I simply refuse to become a brown noser.  It will not happen.  If I have to be an Adequate Grunt for the rest of my life, so be it, as long as I don’t have to Turbulent Suckup.


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