Note: This should be read in a sarcastic tone. If you think I really believe half of this stuff, you’re a moron. If you, yourself believe half of this stuff, well, bless your heart.
Driving to work this morning, I heard a story on the radio that absolutely confirmed to me that the world will end this year. I guess the Mayans knew what they were talking about after all!
It seems that the Apocalypse is in full swing and I am so blessed that it is beginning right in my backyard! See, the Trinity River is a pretty highly frequented body of water in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex and many parts of the towns around the river are referred to as “Trinity Something-or-Another”. People tend to spend a lot of time around the Trinity, fishing, kayaking, swimming, and whatever else one may find exciting to do in water that is so green and murky you can’t see a quarter inch below the surface. As if river water isn’t gross enough by itself, people began seeing “dark patches” of water and began questioning exactly what it was. So an investigation was opened and the sources of the dark patches discovered.
Are you ready for this?
The Trinity River is no longer filled with water; no…the Trinity River is now engorged with PIGS’ BLOOD!!!
Okay, okay, so maybe engorged is stretching it a little but doesn’t this sound like something directly out of Revelations? “And all the waters of the earth shall recede and in their place shall come forth the blood of swine”.
It sounds scary but it really isn’t that big of a deal. The Columbia Meat Packing Plant is adjacently located to the Trinity River and at this time it is presumed that they have not been disposing of certain swine related body fluids properly. Rather than using the correct containers to dispose of the blood, someone is dumping it directly into the river and thinking nothing more of it. (I’ve seen enough rivers to know that pig blood really is the last thing I’m concerned about when it comes to what is in the water)
Now that I think of it, for as long as I can remember, every time I’ve crossed the Trinity River, mostly on the Dallas side, there has been a somewhat pungent odor. Of course, I always attributed this to the fact that the Trinity River is in fact a river that has water in it (something Texans aren’t completely accustom to) and massive amounts of river water tend to stink. Never in a million years did I think I was sniffing pigs’ blood!
I know that most of you are convinced that the anti-christ is Obama but I’m here to tell you all that you are wrong. This story only confirms it. Obviously no one in their right mind would do such a terrible thing unless they were under the direction of Lucifer, and the last time I checked, Obama was far away from Texas.
Dear friends, please prepare yourselves now while you have the chance. As we speak I am stocking up on aluminum foil and Dixie cups. Tonight I plan on fashioning a hat made out of wax paper and straw to ensure that the anti-christ can not manipulate my brain with his highly developed powers of mind control. I also think it may be wise to start brushing up on my gardening and food preservation skills. I think I shall also stop at the store on the way home and buy 500 cases of bottled water, a couple pallets of canned vegetables, and several bushels of wheat.
I can only hope that my words to you have inspired preparation. As of now, we only have 332 days to prepare and I would hate to know that any number of my friends and loved ones didn’t make it through simply because they were un-prepared.