Pardon Me Sir, Here’s My Bank Account Number

I have been getting these random e-mails from people I’ve never met telling me that they found my resume and “feel that [I] would be an excellent candidate for a position within our company.”  That may not seem all that weird but the funny thing is they always ask for my personal information, name, phone number, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, address, all that fun stuff.

 

First of all, the name of the sender is usually something like Tom Turkeyandmeatballs or something completely off the wall, secondly, these always come from a Gmail account. I understand that not all small companies have company e-mail but the least they could do is create a company Gmail account.  How hard would it be to come up with XYZcompany@gmail.com?

 

All that aside, my biggest issue with these messages is that they say nothing about what company they are with, what kind of job, where they are located, NOTHING.  I’ve gotten a few that say “We reviewed your resume…blah,blah,blah” and then 2 sentences later say “We do not have a copy of your resume on file, please send a copy if you have it.”  Ummm, contradict yourself much?  Obviously this little scheme has not been put together very well.

 

I used to ignore these messages and just chalk them up as spam but I have responded to a couple just to humor them stating “Please advise what company you are with and where you got my information before I send you any personal information.”  Strangely, I haven’t received any responses.

 

This morning I was feeling exceptionally feisty and decided to send a different response.  Here is the original e-mail:

 

“Attn: Shopper,

 

You have been qualified to become a secret agent, where you are will

surveying different shops like walmart,western union etc and give us a detailed

report on them without their knowledge.

 

We request you to forward us your resume asap.If resume is not handy kindly

email us your following details below:

 

First-Name:

Middle-Name:

Last-Name:

Address:

City:

State:

Zip:

Country:

Phone-Number:

 

Regards,

Gere-Bras.”

 

And my response:

 

“Dear Gerber Baby,

 

Thanks for sending me this message on this fancy letter machine.  Sorry it took me so long to reply but I couldn’t figure out how to send you a message back.  I kept using that funny little Morse code thingy to send you a response but every time I tried to tap the words in this funny little arrow would pop up on the screen and start doing a jig…Right there on the darned screen!  I asked Bubba about it and he said he thought that little contraption was called a mouse.  A mouse?  Now who ever heard of such a thing?  Bubba ain’t none too smart though, I knew he didn’t know what he was talking about because my cat, Precious, was sitting in my lap the whole time and she never once tried to chase that little mouse contraption.

 

Oh well, I’m shocked that you want me to be a secret agent, heck, I can’t believe the F.B.I. actually found me.  I’ve been hiding from you people for 15 years!  I guess that’s why you want me to be a secret agent though huh?  I reckon since I’ve been able to hide from you for this long, I must be pretty darn good at being all secretive and stuff.  Well I just wanted to let you know that I would be more than happy to be a spy for you and I even have my own gun!  I also have a pet raccoon that I’ve trained to attack when I tell him to, his name is Sprinkles.

 

I’m just so gosh darned excited to get started being an agent.  Heck I usually park my house right outside the Wal-mart so it won’t be no problem going in and out of there any time I need to.  And my old man, Jim Bob Earl Frank, well he said that if I could be a secret agent at the Wal-Mart then he just might be able to get that job he’s always wanted to.  See Jim Bob Earl Frank ain’t none too bright but gosh darn it he sure is a good pest control person.  Yup, see he don’t shower but once every 3 months so all he’s got to do is walk into a house and them thar rodents just fall over dead.

 

I don’t speak french so I don’t know what one of them fancy resume thingies is but here’s all the stuff you asked fer:

 

First Name:  Clarabelle

Middle Name: Josephine

Last Name: Nipplebank

Address:  Where ever I park the house

City: Doesn’t matter as long as the county ain’t dry

State:  Any of them except North Carolina, my P.O. said if I ever step foot in North Carolina again I would go straight to the big house

Zip: Well I don’t reckon I understand why this is important but I ain’t got no zipper on my pants to zip up

Country:  Yeah, I prefer country over city, them city folks is rude

Phone Number:  I’ve got 2 of them but only 1 works

 

Can’t wait to hear what my first assignment is.  I’ll make sure and not feed Sprinkles for a couple nights make sure he’s good and angry!”

 

Seriously though, do people really fall for this?  I’m far from being one of those paranoid types and I probably should be a little more careful at times but the fact that people still fall for these kinds of schemes amazes me.  It’s sad that we as humans just can’t get our act together.  Maybe I’ll go over to Clarabelle Josephine Nipplebank’s house tonight (if I can find it) she seems like she’s got her act together.

 

***Note:  This is all for fun folks, don’t get all politically correct on me and chastise me for bringing a little humor to your day.  If you are offended by anything you just read…well, honestly, I don’t care.***

 

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