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Here’s My Death Warrant, Just go Ahead and Sign on That Dotted Line Right There…Thanks!

18 Jul

To:                   Anthony (Tony) Vernon

President of Kraft Foods North America also Nabisco Foods

From:               A girl who can now die happy

Subject:            Thanks!

 

The purpose of this memo is to let you know just how thankful I am to you.  See, you have allowed me to answer one of those questions that many of us go through life never knowing the answer to.

 

“What question are you referring to?” you ask, well it’s quite simple.  I know exactly how, when, and where I will die.

 

It wasn’t until the other day when I was walking through my local grocery store, “accidentally” perusing the cookie aisle that I came across it.  It was simple and innocent looking enough, in fact, I thought about passing it up more than once because I just didn’t see how it could change my life.

 

I’m talking, of course, about your newest flavor of Oreos.  Oh Mr. Vernon, who was the brilliant mastermind behind this one?  I have to admit, at first glance I looked at the packaging and said “Pish, posh, Cookies and Cream Oreos?  That’s OVERKILL!”  I even dismissed it because I felt that it might be a little too much.  Little did I know that with my final decision to go ahead and give the cookies a try was I figuratively typing my death sentence.

 

I took the little time bombs home, packed them away until finally my curiosity got the best of me.

 

Two Oreos at a time has always been my limit.  I grabbed two, ate them, and immediately found myself dashing back to the kitchen for “just two more”.  I did this until an entire row of cookies was demolished.  Feeling a bit ashamed I promised myself that I would not touch the cookies at all for the rest of the week.

 

The next morning as I was polishing off the third breakfast Oreo I shrugged my shoulders and gave in.  Rather than be angry at myself for falling for this little trick, I found it somewhat rewarding that I now knew I was destined for the best death that money can buy.

 

Can you honestly think of a better way to go than death by Oreo?

Oh sweet Jesus!
Photo Credit: Weknowawesomeness.com

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11 Comments

Posted by on July 18, 2012 in humor

 

Tags: , , , , ,

11 responses to “Here’s My Death Warrant, Just go Ahead and Sign on That Dotted Line Right There…Thanks!

  1. Crystal

    July 18, 2012 at 11:03

    Holy mother of a monkey!!

     
  2. Starstone

    July 18, 2012 at 11:22

    mmm they look good… *must never try them* :)

     
    • sammerson

      July 18, 2012 at 11:25

      If you want to live a long, healthy life, I don’t suggest it!

       
      • Starstone

        July 18, 2012 at 11:32

        haha well… now I’m going to have to try :P

         
  3. Carrie Rubin

    July 18, 2012 at 11:42

    I’m suddenly very glad I’ve never been a fan of Oreos, though believe me, I have my own chocolate demons to fight. :)

     
    • sammerson

      July 18, 2012 at 14:38

      Strangely, I’m not overly crazy about chocolate but when I was younger I got hooked on Oreos and just cant shake it!

       
  4. Main Street Musings Blog

    July 19, 2012 at 15:15

    My sentiments exactly! We must be soul mates because I too wrote a letter to Nabisco in a post and had to share it with you! http://wp.me/p1FCj9-ga And no, I can’t think of a better way to go than death by Oreo!

     
    • sammerson

      July 19, 2012 at 17:02

      Mmmm…mallowmars….ugh thanks for making me want some of those now which I obviously can’t get because according to your post they will melt before they get to me!

       
  5. braintomahawk

    July 20, 2012 at 10:50

    Oreos are amazing.

    Well look at it this way. All of the oreos would be in your belly eventually. Also since you ate them all in such a short period of time, they were at their freshest from the first to last.

    Also I am assuming your just ate them like sammich cookies – do you typically do that, or unscrew them and eat the frosting?

     
    • sammerson

      July 20, 2012 at 11:20

      I fluctuate between Oreo eating styles actually. Just depends on what I’m feeling at the time. With my track record for taking things apart, you would think that I would logically take them apart but honestly, I think I eat them whole more than taking them apart.

      All I know is, they taste sooooo good regardless of how you eat them!

       

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