To: Anthony (Tony) Vernon
President of Kraft Foods North America also Nabisco Foods
From: A girl who can now die happy
The purpose of this memo is to let you know just how thankful I am to you. See, you have allowed me to answer one of those questions that many of us go through life never knowing the answer to.
“What question are you referring to?” you ask, well it’s quite simple. I know exactly how, when, and where I will die.
It wasn’t until the other day when I was walking through my local grocery store, “accidentally” perusing the cookie aisle that I came across it. It was simple and innocent looking enough, in fact, I thought about passing it up more than once because I just didn’t see how it could change my life.
I’m talking, of course, about your newest flavor of Oreos. Oh Mr. Vernon, who was the brilliant mastermind behind this one? I have to admit, at first glance I looked at the packaging and said “Pish, posh, Cookies and Cream Oreos? That’s OVERKILL!” I even dismissed it because I felt that it might be a little too much. Little did I know that with my final decision to go ahead and give the cookies a try was I figuratively typing my death sentence.
I took the little time bombs home, packed them away until finally my curiosity got the best of me.
Two Oreos at a time has always been my limit. I grabbed two, ate them, and immediately found myself dashing back to the kitchen for “just two more”. I did this until an entire row of cookies was demolished. Feeling a bit ashamed I promised myself that I would not touch the cookies at all for the rest of the week.
The next morning as I was polishing off the third breakfast Oreo I shrugged my shoulders and gave in. Rather than be angry at myself for falling for this little trick, I found it somewhat rewarding that I now knew I was destined for the best death that money can buy.
Can you honestly think of a better way to go than death by Oreo?